High Notes

If I could play

Sounds through words

I'd be playing them now.

Like the strings of a violin,

I'd awe you

With such smoothness.

Effortless vibrations

Rising on falling under the heat

Of a rigid string.

The horns would stretch their necks,

And howl at the golden chandelier.

The flute,

It's body so nimble,

Will scream its own tune,

Struggling to be heard,

But heard sorrowfully none the less.

Cellos bow

Like the gentlemen they are.

They are the weeping higher power

That all fall upon.

The drums open their mouths,

And doom a broken society.

The symbols clash

And try all rise.

Every corrupted piece.

And fall in harmony.

Author's Note

A bit of inspiration drawn from a series of classical music.

Reviews

[Steelwine]

Just a few small things.

1) "It's body so nimble" --> * Its

3) Your imagery is inconsistent in places. At first we get a sense that this music is difficult because the speaker tells the audience that he would be playing "if he could", but then the vibrations are "effortless", but then they suddenly transition to "struggling" and "try[ing] to rise". The poem is certainly more interesting if there is a theme of struggle against various forces, or even a struggle to exist, so I would recommend revising the "effortless vibrations" line.

4) "Like the gentlemen they are" is redundant. "Like gentlemen" is sufficient to communicate the simile, though generally good similes work even better as good metaphors. I'm not sure how this fits into the overall tone of your poem, though. Try to expand it, show how even these gentlemen are struggling.

5) Since you're choosing to use punctuation, make sure you use it to clarify your lines and not complicate them. (e.g. "Every corrupted piece. / And fall in harmony." are both sentence fragments and are jarring to the reader in a bad way.)

Overall, good work. Keep at it.

[Christoph Poe]

1. I'll admit I'm not the best at grammar, but I've used the appstrophie as showing ownership. I'm not entirely if that's correct though since its an indirect noun.

2. (You some how skipped.)

3. The strings are effortless but are "straining". You can struggle but strike that perfect mark every once in a while, like in the many practices of music.

4. I completely agree here. The redundently can be eliminated and it would flow better.

5. In reference to one, I'm not the best at grammar, however, I managed to use complete sentences in the combination of the lines above, but chose not to do so in my last three lines. It was intentional, and I'm aware they are sentence fragments. I can reconsider and place them in a complete sentence format though.

Thanks for the review.

[Blake]

1. Its doesn't take an apostrophe, just like his and hers don't. It's = it is.
2. We're writers, not mathematicians! :P
3. Maybe "successful" would be better than "effortless"? Effortless implies no effort, no strain -- so how can they be straining if it's effortless?
4.-
> You seem to have it covered.
5.-/

[Blake]

That was 4 and 5 - you seem to have it covered :)

[Christoph Poe]

LOL! On the mathmetitians part! (And I'll add that my dumb a*s didn't even catch it until I started responding to them individually. I was like "hey, where's number two?!")

XD Ironically, I literally (accidentally) came across an article concerning the use of its and it's and found you were correct. Not that I ever doubted you. I just wanted to explain that I had logic behind it and didn't put it there ignorantly. XD

I'll check out the new word and see if I like it. :)

[Blake]

Glad to be of assistance :) And I didn't mean to say that you HAD to use the word "successful"...just that "effortless" didn't quite fit. I'm sure you'll find the right word! Keep at it!

[Christoph Poe]

I didn't realize that was you--Blake--who I was talking to here. Haha. I went on thinking you were the original poster of the review. Haha. >>I swear my roots are blonde....

[Blake]

I saw something slightly relating to grammar...how could I resist?

[Christoph Poe]

I'll probably be coming back to you with questions too. Lol

[Blake]

Wooh! Questions! ...about what? Grammar? 'Cause if it's grammar, I'm cool with that :D

[S]

the effort you've put is great...its a really good piece...

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you! :)

[written in blood]

great description, awesome how inspiration can come from so many avenues!!

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you! :)