An Untimely Capture

An old high school assignment yet again. This one had to retell a scene from Greek mythology. I had chosen Persephone's capture.

The everlasting spring nurtures the densely scattered flowers of the plain; the tracts of chartreuse, mint, jade, and slightly dulled emerald are sprinkled in layers of shivering colors undulating in the breaths of wind. 

Each blossom I tweeze out of the earth I fleetingly admire before I deposit it inside my wicker basket. In a short while, the amassed blooms verged on overwhelming it. As I reached for another, the ground shudders at the abrupt striking of thundering hooves. 

Pitch-black stallions hurtled towards me. Paralyzed by fright, the dark man bestride the chariot scooped me up by an arm before he plummeted into the cleaved fissure. Upon entering I am thrust into a world of night, my flowers snatched away by the rapidity as the crevasse summarily adjoins to its former state.

Stuttering to a stop, I nearly pummel my head against the floor prior to my already undignified release. Gathering my wits about me, I am greeted by to my disbelief and immediate abhorrence, Hades. 

After unsuccessfully endeavoring to call out to my mother and companions, and then grasping the fact I couldn’t return, I was left with only one regret. I wish I held on to those flowers.

Reviews

[Dr. YumnaKay]

This is one beautiful piece of writing, and your expressions and imagery here definitely had me enchanted even after reading this a couple of times...
As someone who's recently been introduced to Greek mythology in detail, I found this one calling out to me.
I enjoyed reading. :)

[Chryiss]

I enjoy all kinds of mythology, but Greek myths will probably always be my favorite. :) I'm glad you enjoyed this little snippet! Thank you so much!

[barleygirl]

I love it when a writer uses varied & interesting color words instead of the primary colors. I love your use of the word "tweeze" along with other dynamic verbs that build a powerful scene. My only bump is the word "rapidity" . . . I'd replace this stilted word choice with something more visceral, like a dusty whoosh that snatches those fluttering blossoms! A Greek myth well depicted in modern language (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Chryiss]

Late after the holiday response:
Thanks! I forget where and from whom I learned this years ago, but I was told that using other color words besides basic red, green, blue, etc. could improve writing and add varied tones. So I've stuck to that since then; however, I noticed that different color words can confuse readers who aren't familiar with them.
I don't remember everything that I was going for back when I wrote this piece, but your review made me remember that I wasn't perfectly satisfied with "rapidity" but I couldn't think of a more suitable word, so I left as is. Although I don't revise old high school works, I will definitely keep this helpful piece of advice for the future! :)

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

I like this point of view retelling. Emotional and poignant portrayal.

[Chryiss]

Thank you!