Welcome To Pikeville

A Story by Cookie

Two stupid cousins meet their fate in Pikeville, Ky

Let me tell you a story.

Whether it’s true or not, I’ll leave that up to you. Either way, the names have been changed�"mostly because it sounds cool to say that. As for myself, I figure if you don’t want your name out there, don’t do stupid stuff. Agreed?

It all started one day in June at the “Love Your Brother” trailer park in good ol’ Pikeville, Kentucky. I don’t even want to know who came up with that name. Don’t ask. Just let me continue.

It was hot. Unbearably hot. One of those days where, if you left a pan of cake batter outside, you’d come back to a fully baked cake. Hotter-than-your-sister-in-the-pool hot�"if you’re from Kentucky, that is. And they were. Moving on.

On this especially miserable day, Junior and his cousin Willie had been working in the garage when they realized they were out of cigarettes and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Somebody was going to have to go to the carryout. To decide who, they flipped the only coin they had. Willie tossed it into the air, and they watched as it hit the floor, bounced once, and fell straight through a grate in the concrete.

Did I mention these two were a few fries short of a Happy Meal?

Their next bright idea involved racing two chickens in the backyard to see which one could make it back to the coop before the dog got ahold of it. Thankfully, Junior’s sister Shelly came outside and shut that down, making both of them go to the carryout. It’s hard to say what would’ve happened if she hadn’t. Shelly could be a terror, and both of them were scared of her�"with good reason.

Junior swore he only had one testicle left after accidentally leaving a bottle of hair remover in the shower where the shampoo should’ve been. Unfortunately, Shelly was the one who discovered the mistake. Not a good day.

All things considered, Shelly wasn’t bad-looking for a trailer-park girl. Blonde. Skinny in the right places. If she’d just given up Copenhagen, she probably could’ve done well for herself. She was like most of the girls on the holler, though�"three kids and no clear idea who they belonged to. She said it was better that way. The kids wouldn’t be as disappointed as they would be if they knew their dad was from the holler.

The problem was, she was related to just about everyone on the holler. Honestly, I don’t know what to say about that.

Moving on.

Junior and Willie took off on foot, walking a couple miles down Route 23 to the carryout. Did I mention it was hot? As they walked, they came up with a plan for getting back home. Once they got their supplies, they’d “borrow” a jon boat and float down the river back to the trailer park.

Sounds reasonable, right?

They went into the carryout and stocked up on cigarettes, Pabst Blue Ribbon, tampons, and the latest issue of Equipment Trader. After chatting with the clerk like they always did, they headed back outside.

Now it was time to put their genius plan into action. They hauled everything down the riverbank and decided to cool off in the shade for a bit and drink some beer. I mean, it was hot. Why not?

Well, these two jackasses polished off two cases of Pabst while they sat there. Eventually, they realized they’d need more and headed back toward the carryout. Somewhere along the way, Willie decided it was just too hot for pants. Junior, being the intellectual equal he was, agreed.

So now you’ve got Dumb and Dumber wandering around the carryout parking lot without pants. Naturally, someone called the Pike County Sheriff. Willie spotted the cruiser before the Sheriff spotted them. Even drunk, they had enough sense left to run.

They tumbled over the riverbank like a bad Keystone Cops routine and made it back to the water. Somehow, they still thought stealing a jon boat and floating away was a good idea.

What they hadn’t considered was that between the carryout and the trailer park, the Army Corps of Engineers had built a lock and dam to handle coal barge traffic.

You see where this is going.

Two drunk idiots.
One tiny jon boat.
Coal barges.
And a very steep spillway.

Needless to say, no one has seen either of them since.

Some folks believe they managed to pull the boat ashore and took off for Grayson County, chasing a dream of opening a chicken-fighting parlor and living the high life. Me? I’m pretty sure they were too drunk to understand what they’d gotten themselves into�"and probably enjoyed the drop at the end. They both liked roller coasters.

Either way, Junior had a decent life insurance policy, which paid out nicely to Shelly. She bought a double-wide and moved to Kermit, West Virginia. The internet was better there, and she could finally make her dream of becoming an OnlyFans star come true.

I guess you could say some of them lived happily ever after.

If you’ve ever lived around places like these, you know this is just everyday life. Nothing surprises you.

That’s my story.
Believe it or don’t.
That part’s on you.

© 2025 Cookie

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Featured Review

Samuel Dickens

Pretty silly stuff, but I like it. Being from rural Arkansas, those two characters weren't foreign to me in the least. "Hot as your sister in the pool"--that one made me smile. And PBR, that was my beer until I turned 17, then switched to Schlitz... or was it Pearl?