Welcome To Pikeville

A Story by Cookie

Two stupid cousins meet their fate in Pikeville, Ky

Let me tell you a story.

Whether it’s true or not, that’s your problem. The names have been changed �" mostly because it sounds dramatic, and I like sounding dramatic. As for the people in it, my rule is simple: if you don’t want your name in a story, don’t do stupid things in front of people.

It all started one June afternoon at the “Love Your Brother” trailer park in Pikeville, Kentucky. I don’t know who named it and I don’t want to know..Let’s move on before we both get dumber.

It was hot. Not “summer hot.” Not “sweaty hot.” I mean hot-hot. The kind of hot where you could leave cake batter outside and come back to a Bundt cake…. Hotter-than-your-sister-at-the-pool hot �" if you’re from Kentucky anyway. And they were.

On this particular day, Junior and his cousin Willie were in the garage when they realized they were out of cigarettes and Pabst Blue Ribbon. A crisis for sure- In order to decide who got stuck walking to the carryout, they flipped their only coin. Willie tossed it, it hit the floor, bounced once, and dropped straight through a grate like it was trying to escape.

Did I mention these two were a few crayons short of a full box?

With no coins left, being the geniuses they were, their next idea was to race chickens in the backyard to see which one could make it back to the coop before the dog got it. Luckily, Junior’s sister Shelly came out and shut that down quick.- She gave them ‘that’ look. She didn’t have to say anything else. Both of them knew immediately that they needed to disappear before Shelly came back out.- They decided they would both go to the carryout. - She probably saved that chicken’s life but with Junior and Willie around it was just a matter of time,

Junior and Willie both were terrified of Shelly. Junior swore he only had one testicle left after accidentally leaving a bottle of hair remover in the shower where the shampoo should’ve been. Shelly was the one who discovered the mistake. That’s all I’m saying.

Shelly wasn’t bad-looking for a trailer-park girl. Blonde. Skinny in all the right places. Thought that short shorts should be considered formal wear. If she would have quit dipping Copenhagen, she might’ve had a shot at marrying a miner. That’s every holler girl’s dream. But like most girls on the holler, she had three kids and no idea who the fathers were. She said it was better that way �" fewer disappointments and less explaining to do.

The real issue though, she was related to almost all the guys on that holler. Don’t ask….. we’re moving on.

Junior and Willie started walking the two miles down Route 23 discussing their plan for the day. Did I mention it was hot? Well, halfway there, they came up with a brilliant plan: once they bought their supplies, they’d “borrow” a jon boat and float home down the river.

Genius. Pure Kentucky genius.

They went inside the carryout and stocked up on cigarettes, PBR, tampons, and the newest issue of Equipment Trader. You know �" the essentials. After chatting with the clerk, they headed out and dragged everything down to the riverbank.

Naturally, they decided they should cool off in the shade and drink a few beers before they hit the river. They figured it was a good idea to give Shelly a little time to cool off before they went back.

Naturally, “a few” beers turned into two full cases.

Eventually, they realized they needed more beer. Somewhere on the walk back, Willie decided it was too hot for pants. Junior agreed immediately, because ….of course he did.

So now you’ve got Dumb and Dumber wandering around the carryout parking lot, pantsless, sunburned, and confused. Someone called the Pike County Sheriff. Willie spotted the cruiser first, and even drunk, they had enough brain cells left to run.

They tumbled over the riverbank like two bowling balls in a dryer and made it back to the water. And somehow �" somehow �" they still thought stealing a jon boat was a good idea.

What they had forgotten, in their inebriated state, was that between the carryout and the trailer park, the Army Corps of Engineers had built a lock and dam for coal barges.

You see the problem.

Two drunk idiots.
One tiny jon boat.
Coal barges.
A spillway that might as well have been a water slide from hell.

No one has seen them since.

Some folks say they made it ashore and ran off to Grayson County to follow their dream of opening a chicken-fighting parlor - Personally, I think they were too drunk to understand what they had gotten themselves into and probably really enjoyed the drop at the end. They both really liked roller coasters.

Either way, Junior had a decent life insurance policy, and Shelly collected. She bought a double-wide and moved to Kermit, West Virginia. Better internet. Better opportunities. She was OnlyFans bound. She said she was finally going to “make something of herself online.” I didn’t ask questions.

If you’ve ever lived around places like this, you know someone who’s just like these folks and none of this is surprising.

That’s my story.
Believe it or don’t.
That’s on you.

The End

© 2026 Cookie

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Featured Review

Samuel Dickens

Pretty silly stuff, but I like it. Being from rural Arkansas, those two characters weren't foreign to me in the least. "Hot as your sister in the pool"--that one made me smile. And PBR, that was my beer until I turned 17, then switched to Schlitz... or was it Pearl?