Santa’s Secret Past

Santa has always brought joy to the world…In one way or another.

Some believe certain information should stay buried for the greater good. Others insist that the public has a right to know the truth so they can make informed decisions.

I stand firmly on the side of truth.

Recently, information has surfaced that has been hidden for far too long. The public deserves the facts.

And what facts are those?

Well…the undeniable truth is simple:
Santa was a pimp.

Yes, you read that correctly. Santa. Claus. Was. A pimp.

The signs were always there, but we chose to ignore them.

Back in the day, Santa didn’t glide through the sky in a sleigh. No�"he cruised city streets in the back of a gleaming gold Cadillac. Instead of “Ho ho ho,” he called out “Hoe, hoe, hoe!” from his mobile throne, summoning his loyal…team. That was the first clue.

Look at his wardrobe: the bold red suit, the extravagant fur trim, the iconic hat. We thought it was festive�"turns out it was fashionably entrepreneurial.

Now, I’m not claiming Santa is a bad guy. On the contrary, look at all the joy he brings worldwide! Just like his alleged past occupation�"spreading happiness, only now on a global scale.

Something must have happened to inspire a career change, but once a year, if you listen closely, you can still hear him calling out across the night:

“Hoe, hoe, hoe!”

And now you know the secret we should have uncovered long ago:

Santa was a pimp.