Sunflower-Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE

“Watch out!” I yelled to Maple from the pitcher's mound. She was dancing again. Maple loved to dance, even on the softball field. If it weren't for our unfair parents, she would be dancing her head off. I rolled my eyes as she fumbled the softball from the wet and soggy sand.

She didn’t even throw the ball back to me in the air. For some reason she thought it would be a good idea to roll the softball on the ground when she was only a few feet away from me. It rolled so slowly, so gently, I had to run over to her and pick it up. At this point we were down by three whole run’s. All because of Maple. After getting us one more out, we went into the damp dugout where everyone was fuming.

“Why would you do that?” Haley asked, throwing her glove to the ground.

“For real!” Dana said, sitting in the corner with her arms crossed.

“What a loser.” Maria mumbled as she went to drink water.

“Maple,” I started to ask, “Are you ok?” Her short black hair shook side to side. Even though she might have cost us the game, she was still my little sister.

“Here, take this.” I said, as I gave her the rest of my sunflower seeds. Sunflower seeds were her favorite thing in the world, besides dancing. So Maple was very happy when she saw that it was taco bell flavored. Maple pretty much loved everything. I couldn’t really think of anything she didn’t love.

“Thanks,” My little sister replied. This was the first time I’d seen her upset since the incident. That was over a year ago. Maple was just all around a happy, cheerful, loving person. Even though she wasn’t amazing on the field, she got straight A’s, lot’s of friends, and was popular. She pretty much had it all.

That wasn’t me at all. Sometimes I just look at her and wonder how on earth my sister and I were even related. I have C’s, one - two  friends and was pretty much Maple’s shattow. Plus she looked a lot like our mom. 

Dad was tall, kinda had a beard, and liked baseball. In fact, he played all throughout high school. Dad also had dark brown hair since he was born. He was involved in anything and everything! Softball, baseball, wrestling, even basketball. You name it, he did it. He was here then he was there! He was always somewhere at some point! Mom on the other hand, not so much.

Mom was short, had glasses and didn’t like sports. She did NOT like to meet new people. She hates socializing. Kinda like me, when she was born, she had blond long hair. Then somehow, her hair turned black near 16 to 19. Weird. Anyway, even though she wasn’t into sports like her three kids, mom was amazing with school. Somehow she understood math,(something no one in our family could ever do), very creative and amazing with vacation planning, and all round all planning.

Maple was short, had black hair since forever and only kinda liked softball. We were complete opposites. Like I said before, my little sister was always happy.

Me on the other hand had three shades of hair, dark brown hair on top, lighter brown hair in the middle, and blonde hair for the tips. I was a light hair baby at birth. I also love running around everywhere. I’m kinda fast for my age too. I play softball, basketball, wrestling, and have always wanted to try karate. 

I even have two companies (one where I’m trying to make my own website for), do girl scouts, rainbow girls, finance club, pitching plus batting lessons, and write my own stories, like this one. I’m planning to be an author by 13 or 14. My family thinks it’s just a phase, but it's not. I could feel it.

“ Want some?” Maple handed me some seeds. She only gives me seed’s when I’m almost up to bat or pitch. I looked at who was up. Thankfully it was Jade. She was our star hitter. With the base's loetted, she was our best bet. I prayed silently to god for her to hit a homerun.

“Ohhh” The whole team could feel Jade's pain. The ball got right in the shin. Jade hopped back into the dugout. I guess it was too much pain. Worse, we only got one run from that. Now I was up.

I grabbed my bat and helmet and chewed the life out of those seeds. It was the last inning, we were down by one now and there were two outs. If I got out, it would be my fault. My team being let down by me.

“Strike one.” The big blue guy said, looking at his apple watch. How was he getting paid to just look at his watch? He’s not even paying attention to the game! The ball was up to my eyes in fact! My dad would be so mad if he saw me, or anyone really, swing at that.

“Strike two.” The unpare said again. Sure I swung this time because I knew it was in the strike zone but again, he was not paying attention. Instead he was looking at some girl, younger than me. I knew her too. It was Lasy, the kid who was eating the sand and goldfish at the same time. Yuck.

I stepped out of the lefty’s batter’s box to take a breather. I took my practice swing and heard the air from my bat as air blew in my ear. I stepped back and waited for my fate. If we won, we would be the champions. But if we lost, we were done for the season. I couldn’t let down my team. I just couldn’t! Everything relied on me, the pitcher and the blue guy, who only now was looking. Two outs, last inning, two strikes and one more pitch.

I strangled my bat and held my ground, put my bat up near my shoulders and looked the ball dead in the eye. I could tell the pitcher was doing a fastball from the way she didn’t change or shuffle the ball as much. I do the same thing all the time. This one pitch was my hardest one to hit. We needed two runs or else. The pitcher went in her wind up and everything went quiet. No cheers, no babies crying, no nothing.

The only thing heard was the sound of my bat connecting with the ball and my team cheering their heads off.

It was a homerun.

Author's Note

I'll post a new chapter every few months! (P.S I'm not that good at spelling😅) Please tell me what y'all think of it!

Reviews

[JayG]

You’re working hard, That’s obvious. But like over 90% of hopeful writers, you’ve fallen into the trap of transcribing yourself telling the story as if to an audience. And that cannt be made to work, for reasons invisible till pointed out:

1. When you read your own work, you begin reading already knowing the situation, the actors, the backstory, and, what’s about ton come. And because you do, you leave out context the reader needs.

Look at the opening as the reader:

• “Watch out!” I yelled to Maple from the pitcher's mound.

When you read that opening an image of the girl on the pitcher’s mound, and, who she’s yelling to, appears in your mind—probably was there before you read the first word.

The reader? We don’t know where we are in time OR space. We don’t know the pitcher’s age, gender, or name, so this could be a pro pitcher yelling to John Maple on third base. She could be in her teens, be part of a company ball team, or, they might be elves in a magical world.

You know. The people in the story know. The reader, the ones you wrote it for? Not a clue. And while you might reasonably say to read on and it will become clear, they won’t, because confusion cannot be retroactively removed.

And look at:

• “The only thing heard was the sound of my bat connecting with the ball and my team cheering their heads off.
It was a homerun.”

You first, told the reader they cheered, and THEN, she hit a home run. So you place effect before cause, which cannot happen in life.

2. When you read your own work, your voice is filled with emotion the reader cannot-know-to-place-into-theirs. Nor can they know the gestures, expression changes, or body language you expect them to use as they read the storyteller’s script you’ve given them.

So…This is most definitely NOT what you hoped to see. And it stings. It stings a lot. I’ve been there, so I know. But as I said, the problems are invisible to you, and, they hit pretty much everyone. But of most importance, it’s fixable—though that’s NOT a list of, “Don’t do that. Do this instead.”

Here’s the deal, and the thing we all forget:

First, the writing skills we learn in school are meant to ready us for the needs of employment. And employers need reports, letters, and, other nonfiction.

And second, Commercial Fiction Writing is a profession. And professional skills are acquired IN-ADDITION to those of school. There is no way around that, and no shortcuts, because nothing else works.

But…every successful writer faced and overcame the problem. Why not you? In fact, you’ll find the learning interesting, and filled with, “That makes sense. How did I never notice that?. And once you do learn those skills, and master them, the act of writing becomes a lot like living the events.

So try this: Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict is a warm easy read, one that feels a lot like sitting with Deb as she talks about writing. You can download it from the link below. So try a few chapters for fit. I think you’’ find them eye-opening.

But whatever you do, hang in there and keep on writing. It never gets easier. But with work, we can become confused on a higher level. And that’s okay, because writing isn’t a destination, it’s a lifetime’s journey.

For an overview of lots of the traps and gotchas lying in wait for the unary newbie, you might check a few of my articles and YouTube videos, linked to below.

And one more critical thing: That phony ad for help with your cover, below, is a common scam. Ignoreit and ones like it.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Davidgeo]

I'm fairly certain you are using chatGPT. You just copy and paste reviews to the bot accounts. Oh my... I was just kinda f*****g with you about the sundowning but... is anybody really in there anymore? Is it all just chatGPT now Jay?

[Davidgeo]

the way you use bullet points... the spacing... oh my... you are just copy and pasting chatGPT slop hahhahahaha

[Davidgeo]

busted!! Jay. You are busted.

[Coffee123321]

I'm confused, but thank you JayG if this wasn't REALLY chatgpt and thank you to Davidgeo for confronting JayG if he WAS chatgpt

[JayG]

Using AI is for amateurs, Coffee. I have 30 books on Amazon, most written before AI was "a thing."read moreUsing AI is for amateurs, Coffee. I have 30 books on Amazon, most written before AI was "a thing."

I've signed 7 publishing contracts, owned a manuscript critiquing service, and, have taught fiction-writing at workshops.

Davidgeo, the troll who made the AI claim, follows me around like a puppy, because I once dared to comment on his poetry.

That I get pages of positive comments for all my posted poetry, and his work gets only a comment or two on about half his posts, has him foaming at the mouth. And of course, he's posted not a word of fiction, and never comments on fiction. Nor did he have the courtesy to react to yours. As I said, a troll.

But that aside, thank you for the kind words in the mail you sent. And apologies for having attracted the puppy to your thread.

[Davidgeo]

I'm saying your comments are AI generated a lot now. And a lot of copy and pasting of the same stuff over and over in reviews (i'm not the only one to notice). I'm not talking about the self published slop you pay to have "published", not talking about your fantasy made up "publishing contracts", not your fantasy made up "teaching workshops". Smh. I would be embarrassed bragging about paying to self publish 30 books, on Amazon? hhaah oh boy!! It's so sad how insecure you are. And you bully new writers into thinking this BS narrative you've created is legit... you need therapy man. Badly.

[Coffee123321]

Okay, how about let's all just calm down? Jay, I went on ChatGPT myself, and it say's about 10-30% of it was AI used, and about 70-90% feels human. As for Davidgeo, I'm sorry for Jay's words about your work. I am sure you work hard on it and I'd bet it's well write'n. In fact, I might share some of my own poetry/song lyrics on here if I get the chance. JayG, though it is impressive that you had self published 30 books on Amazon, (one thing I'd like to do in life), you should be a bit mindful of the words you are using to other users. That said, I'm grateful for both of your guy's feedback. Davidgeo I think I'll read some of your writing as a thanks for stand up to a stranger's story. (JayG, judging by how quickly you were to judge Davidgeo work, you sound very demanding so I need to let you know--I am not choosing sides!) Have a good day to both of you!

[JayG]

• Okay, how about let's all just calm down? Jay, I went on ChatGPT myself, and it say's about 10-30% of it was AI used, and about 70-90% feels human.

Wake up! AI is useless for writing because it doesn’t create, it copies. And it cannot handle emotion, which can’t be reduced to a formula. Try that on a passage from any publisher writer and it will make the same claim.

And I know the capabilities because I spent 40 years of my life designing computers and computer-controlled systems for both business and the government, beginning when they filled rooms and used vacuum tubes

Unlike the troll, who invaded your thread to attack me, I actually know what I’m doing, and can point to page and paragraph in books by recognized experts in the profession to back up what I say—which you would know, had you read even a chapter of the book I suggested, on Amazon.

• JayG, though it is impressive that you had self published 30 books on Amazon,

Sorry, but you have that wrong. They are presently self-released, because over time, my publishers, like Double Dragon and Neighborhood Press, like many small presses, were driven out of business by the large book chains, before online publishing killed their business. And I began writing well before there was a self-release business.

But…if you’re looking for simplistic answers, supplied by someone who can’t get any comments on half his posted poetry, and has never written fiction, be my guest.

[Davidgeo]

hehe... busted Jay. Ya busted. Most people here assumed you've been using generative chatbots to spam reviews the past couple years, it's totally on brand for you. As a strong believer in the "fake it till you make it" strategy, chatGPT must be a very useful tool for you. I think it's rather intellectually hollow but, you "write" for much different reasons than myself. I'm not interested in self publishing (or "self releasing" as you put it) simply to gain attention by any means, I really don't understand the appeal of that at your age. There's not a lot of money in it (it costs you money) so it comes across as rather sad and desperate. You give off teenage angsty "look at me!!!" type of vibes. I don't think you got enough attention from pappy growing up... smh, therapy Jay - get yourself some.

[Coffee123321]

OKAY EVERYONE STOP IT, YEAH?! JayG I've told you not to call people by names. What if the matter with you two? You two are grown a*s man, act like it. JayG, I swear I will do some of your sugestions on my writing when I get the time, alright? Davidgeo, stop saying that he needs therapy. God, all I wanted to do was have people read my work before I choose to make books for real! And here you too are, complaining about 'trolls' and 'money' and books from Amazon! This is not the type of comments I need.

[Coffee123321]

I need repect, not people cursing at each other.

[JayG]

• I need repect

Respect is earned, not demanded. and your unfounded accusation of my post being the result of AI show extreme disrespect.

If you're not smart enough to see that by giving you advice that's contained in all books on writing, referring to them by name, AND linking to MY OWN articles, AI will see those articles as the work of others, you're not ready for the level of logical thinking required to write fiction.

So climb down from your high horse before you fall.

[Davidgeo]

Jay is crashing out.... hhahahahha hilarious

[Coffee123321]

You guys are being idiots. THIS IS JUST A FIRST DRAFT AND BOTH OF YOU ARE ACTING LIKE TODDLERS!

[Coffee123321]

And JayG? Disrespect? Your saying that I'm 'demanded' it, but I think it's what I need after having to deal with you two

[Coffee123321]

And this is not hilarious, I dunno why you are arguing about each other/the draft but its gotta f*****g STOP. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE READING MY WORK, AND I'D BET THEY DON'T WANT TWO GROWN A*S MEN CALLING EACH OTHER 'Trolls' AND SAYING THEY NEED THERAPY! TRY GROWING UP FOR ONCE. BOTH OF YOU!

[Davidgeo]

I don't pretend to be mature. The only reason I'm here is to troll Jay. Dude needs to be put in his place. He's a much more insidious type of troll than myself. He uses fake fantasy land writing credentials to bully and belittle new writers... and lately it's been AI generated text making him extra despicable. I'm just here to f**k with Jay, I'm not trying to hide that fact.

[Davidgeo]

Also, yes, when Jay crashes out and starts listing his "self released" writing cred it is hilarious. That means his inner man boy is running the show in that moment and I find that to be absolutely hilarious.

[Coffee123321]

Okay, thank you for your honestly at least

[Coffee123321]

But I will quit writing on here if you two keep it up, so PLEASE stop, and thank you.

[Davidgeo]

Don't quit writing here on account of a couple trolls. There is a block feature.

[Coffee123321]

There is? Where can I find it?

[Davidgeo]

Go the writers profile, look in the right hand corner where the 'send message', 'add friends', etc. tabs are... one of them will be 'block writer'.

[Coffee123321]

Thank you.

[Davidgeo]

I'm not trying to troll your work, I'm trolling Jay's asshat faux intellectual bully "reviews". But I won't be offended if you block me. I totally understand.

[Coffee123321]

I won't block you, don't worry. I looked at a few other peoples work and saw a few people saying the same 'AI use' thing that you said. Even so, I will be taking some of 'his' advise. Thank you for understanding, you seem like a nice person. I showed one of my friends this comment section and she loved your replies and think's your hilarious. Anyway, thanks again, and have a good day.😅

[Davidgeo]

Jay's advice isn't usually bad even it is highly generic; it's how he uses it to belittle and talk down to new writers. It's a type of manipulation that seeks to degrade people. He is not trying to help people, he's trying to help his fragile sense of identity by talking down to others.

[Joss Jeffrey]

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