Pain and a Pen

rhyming piece; similar to a kyrielle and ballade with internal rhyme

A poet heeds his aching needs;

if not, his heart would grow a hole.

His sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

When pains emerge and lightnings surge

in violent storms he can't control,

there comes an urge to delve and purge.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

He spills each word so cries unheard

can leak their blood upon a page.

His soul is stirred ― a fiery bird

ascends its wings beyond pain's cage.

It's not mere ash from flaming rage,

but diamonds squeezed from blackest coal

that gleam their brilliance on a stage.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

Author's Note

Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged. I would like to know if the repetition of masculine pronouns (although this piece is meant for both male and female poets) was distracting. I would also like to know if the lack of internal rhyme in the last four lines off-set the flow and/or readability in any way.

Special thanks to mattavelli for helping me edit this piece.

Reviews

[mattavelli]

Hello, William! :)
Eight syllable lines and a fun rhyme, I love it!
It looks like it was fun to write.
Your refrain hits like a hammer.
Suggestions:
In line two, replace "have" with something more pointed, like "grow".
While your thoughts are clear, your phrasing could use some tweaking where sections two and three meet.

[William Liston]

Hello Matt :)

I'd like to thank you for your constructive review. I really enjoyed reading your words of praise as well as the suggestions you pointed out.

Concerning your first critique: Thank you so much. I've been looking for another word to replace "have" but couldn't find one. I had "bear" at first but changed it because I thought it sounded repetitive (the refrain uses the word "bear.")

Concerning your second critique, how about this: He spills each word so cries unheard

Another thing I must note: You poem "Fearlessly" actually inspired me to write this. I enjoyed how in that poem, virtually every line was a poignant image and/or a metaphor, so I tried to incorporate the same style in this piece.

Feel free to make more suggestions.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

and this bares the soul in more ways than one...i really like "diamonds squeezed from blackest coal"

no, the use of the male pronoun is not distracting....i just take that as the speaker being male...and when students of mine interpret poems i always tell them to pick either a male or female speaker...makes the pronouns in the essay easier to deal with.
the flow was captured right to the end...the internal rhyme was nice while it lasted..and very well done, but not needed toward the end.
the poem came to a nice conclusion both theme-wise and form-wise.
j.

[lightsong]

Here he stands, a life warrior bard
holding his weapon, a special kind of a brand
whistles in the air, melodies to play
flowing ink still bleeds from his heart
a poet's pen, the imprint of pain
still...
a warrior bard, all he was, all he can~

[L.C. Jarrette]

every word is true...what an incredible poem indeed. you are one talented writer.thank you very much for sharing this wonderful art.

[Shweta]

What a poem! I just loved the theme and also its deliverance..

[William Liston]

Thank you.
I'm glad you enjoyed : )

[emipoemi]

You have a wondrous way with rhymes, refrains, and ABAB structure. This is absolutely poetic and profound. Well done!!

[William Liston]

Thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed, and look forward to reading your work.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I find this enjoyable on every level, both in content and in form. It has the gentle fluidity of a creek, its bed teeming with words of delight. Every poet can relate to this.

[William Liston]

What an eloquent way to put it ...
Thank you for your gorgeous review.

[Lucimere]

Truly beautiful William, it is something we all can relate to.
Thank you for writing this lovely poem.

[William Liston]

Thank you.

[Raven Moonchild]

So very true,a poet's pen does bear their soul. :) And it is the colours of the soul that bring their pictures to life.

[William Liston]

Eloquently put.
Thank you for reviewing.

[Angelheart1]

William, you have bared your soul beautifully through your words - Thank You for sharing yourself with us Sir. Angelheart

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed. Thank you, Angelheart.

[The earth (Titan maphah..]

this is brilliance in a bucket...thanks for sharing bruh

[William Liston]

What a lovely description. Thank you for your kind words.