North 5

North 5

Unconsciousness gripped me like water. I was drowning in my own fatal choices, chief among them the choice I made to trust myself. Now, as consequence, confusion choked me, painlessness disoriented me, and I was floating ever-wayward in a sea of heavy nothingness. The vodka didn't hurt anymore, and neither did my heart. I let my head sink against whatever it was resting near, and finally I felt what I had been chasing ever since I laid eyes upon her- content.
What I was hooked on wasn't a numbness, however I did feel that. Soaking into my bones was relief more than anything; relief from the constant nagging I did into the mirror, relief from chains that when locked spelled out her name, relief from the promise of a tomorrow even though tomorrow could never be better but could always be worse than yesterday. In that state of no anxious gravity that alcohol had brought me into, I found myself not looking for answers or explanations to problems that I, admittedly, created for myself. There was no double-guessing left in me now. Just poison.
And that bitter betrayal came up from my gut so fast I didn't have time to wake up. I felt an upward tug on my throat, then a very hot rush in my mouth, and when I opened my crusty eyes I was in the backseat of my own car, bumping along to a ride that I wasn't responsible for. I saw foggy leather, darkness in the left part of my vision, probably because I felt as if I was on my left side. Somewhere in front of me I heard a noise, but it was muffled by an entire bottle of vodka. Then I was thrown where I felt was up but was really into the driver-side backseat door. My body crumpled under the inertia, but I hardly felt a thing. I was wafting in my own dreamy reality, doused in liquid medicine that tasted as bad as it stung. Suddenly, again, I was violently relocated in the backseat, but this time when I pitched forward but really down onto the floorboards, I stayed in the dark that quickly consumed me.
Nothing was real after that. The world had closed its eyes and shunned my mind from its sight. All that there was to me now was what I saw and felt and thought. What I saw was black, what I felt was blue/purple, and what I thought was perfect gray.