The drink

My goal was to be more descriptive.

The old, wrinkly dog sprawled out on the corner of a hot, grimy, raised sidewalk like a freshly poured blob of thick pancake batter. The ugly mutt's skin was so plagued by flea bites and bacterial infections that even a dermatologist would have to control his gag reflex. Although the miserable hound was blind in one eye, he still spotted a thin man step up to the sidewalk from the road and carry his foot surely but safely over his scraggly, cactus-like tail.

The man's skin on his neck and arms radiated back the heat of the broiling, summer afternoon. He wore a white, button-down, collared, long-sleeve shirt with faint, vertical blue stripes and dark-blue chinos. His sleeves rolled up just past the elbows and collar opened to the second button down, he was feeling a little under-dressed. The rubber soles of his brown leather shoes were soft from the penetrating heat of the paved road he just departed. As focused as he was on getting that cold drink, he couldn't miss that mangey tail in his path.

The air was as thick as mud on a hog's rear-end in spring. It was work just to draw in enough air to order a cold tea. Cold... He thought about a day many years ago when he stood eyes closed in his driveway, knee-deep in crystal-white, freshly-fallen snow and embracing the sub-zero temperatures blowing about his body, fluttering his short hair and biting his ears with its piercing cold. That place was far away.

The thin man paced slowly with one hand on his neck and the other hanging at his side in front of the place where the old dog lied, day after day. The saggy-skinned animal eyed the man and then snapped his head to the right, his skin following after, as he caught a quick movement from within the tea shop. An arm stretched out from behind the serving counter with a cold tea in its grasp. The ice in the cup churned and the sound was like smooth stones being tossed about at the edge of the rapids. In this hammering heat, drinking that cup of sweet, cold tea would be like a sand-blasted desert traveler with blistered feet and a tongue dryer than a week-old baguette diving into a glimmering fresh-water pool fed by a natural spring from melting glaciers.

The white plastic cup and clear lid glistened in the blazing sun as the moisture in the humid air condensed on every icy inch. A drop of water formed and grew large enough not to escape gravity's pull. It rolled quickly down the side, around the pinky of the outstretched hand and off the bottom edge. It hit the smooth, tiled walk with an inaudible splat. The old dog lifted his haunches, walked over to it and sniffed. At the same moment, the thin man in brown shoes reached out for the drink. In his excited anticipation of feeling the cool wave of black tea over his parched tongue, he misjudged his step as the dog walked between him and the counter. Correcting his step, he lost tactile grip on the slippery surface of the precious liquid and it escaped his hot, slow hand.

In an instant, the old dog was blissfully drenched head to toe in cold tea. He looked up at the thin man, wagged his dripping wet tail, stooped down and started munching on an ice cube.

Author's Note

Even just a 1-10 rating would be nice, 10 being very good.

Reviews

[Dreamer]

Excellent writing and good use of descriptions. Keep up the good work

[Neverwhere]

Love this vignette, good color, good detail, a funny ending, and you could write more to it, little chapters of doggy goodness. I would try writing something you could submit to BARK magazine and see if they are accepting pieces. Beats trying to find an agent?

I would say that on a scale of 1-10, this rates in my mind as about an 85-87, is that okay?

[Cupofwords]

That's an excellent rating, thank you. I'm glad it had some elements you enjoyed and shared it with me. I like your suggestion about submitting. I'll look into that. Being published in magazines is not something I had considered for some reason. I'll also be interested to read your posts.

[Corset]

I feel this is a wonderful bit of writing, it's IS extremely descriptive until you get to the ending paragraph and then it feels rushed as if all the descriptiveness was for all the other paragraphs, not that I could do better by any stretch of imagination, but since we got that far with it, I feel the dog didn't react quite like it would have (IRL) having been made to seem a flea bitten stray and splashed thoroughly with an icy substance. I think it would have jumped, made some kind of yelp, ran a small way, assess what happened and then go back to eat the ice cube and be grateful. My 2 cents worth :) I loved it, I feel as if sticky now and need a shower from the heat. I give it a 9.99 for the rushed ending ;) Please don't rate my writings, lololol, I'd be somewhere below a 2 but you asked so I gave. :)

[Cupofwords]

Yeah, you got me. After reviewing it, I felt the same. More reaction from the dog would be good. I'm glad the words made you feel. I always wonder how the words translate to other peoples minds and this is what attracts me to writing. Thanks for your input and generous rating! I'll be sure to look at your work.

[Corset]

I enjoyed very much :)

[TheWriter'sMom]

I especially enjoyed 'The Drink'; very descriptive writing, I like that. I always wonder how much insight we gain about the author from the subject matter he writes. What do you think? Keep writing, I'll keep reading!

[Marie]

I don't give ratings. But I see what you're trying to do. Good desciptions.

[Cupofwords]

Thank you Marie. You have a great profile and I appreciate your review. I hope to write a few more stories to explore my writing skills.