Venus rages brightly tonight

Venus rages brightly tonight

   But the night is thick with shame.

It doesn't cool my round thoughts

   Nor hold my soul to the flame.

Some things just can't be said;

   Neither can they be helped.

These things should be weathered -

   And through it all - be felt.

Pieces of me - I try to collect

   Before they can fall away

And I guard them - resolute

   That something of those remain.

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

Perhaps the reviewer below could find a few books about pleasant advice rather than arrogant prattle!

To each his or her own but - I find your words poetically succinct - laid in hints of the writer's raison d'etre for searching, collecting and safeguarding worthy experiences.

[JayG]

The problem you face is that because you have context as you read it allmakes sense. But not having given any to the reader cripples their understanding.

Look at the lines, not as someone who has backstory and intent guiding them, but as a stranger—your reader—must.

• Venus rages brightly tonight

If you mean the planet Venus, it’s a dot of light in the sky that doesn’t change significantly day-to day. So your intent for saying that it “rages” is unknown to the reader.

• But the night is thick with shame.

I’ve experienced many nights. Not one of them can be said to have had shame floating around in it. Though in fairness, I’d probably not know what to look for.

• It doesn't cool my round thoughts

Uhh...what in the pluperfect hells is a “round” thought? And why are they hot? You know precisely what you mean, but because you gave the reader no context they can’t even guess.

Talking TO the reader is usually a mistake because it tends to cause us to leave out context, when we write, for things that seem obvious to us.

Better to focus on fanning the reader’s interest than informing them, because readers are, in the end, seeking to be entertained, which requires an emotion-based approach.

You might want to dig into a few books on the techniques of poetry that have been developed, since they were created as ways to avoid things like those mentioned above.

A good one to begin with is Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook.

https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html

And for metrical poetry, check the except, on Amazon, for Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain