Portal Birthday Card

How to say "Bon Anniversaire" with flair.

Dear <Briglevich, Mia G.>,

 

     Congratulations!  You are a fortunate receiver of this prototype Aperture Science Enrichment Center Celebratory Notification of Completion of Testing Phases <I-XIV>!  You have provided Aperture Laboratories with vital statistics in the field of <field undisclosed> that serve as a strong indication of a positive and constructive mental condition.  Your work has not gone unnoticed amongst your handlers; it is assured to you that good things are still to come providing your continued participation in our programs.  Remember; “Aperture Science, your trusted friend in science.”

     Please enjoy the attached <gift make and model withheld>, and remember that it will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.  (Disclaimer: If <gift make and model withheld> does attempt speech and/ or murder, dispose of <gift make and model withheld> immediately at the nearest specially designated gift-obliterating furnace at [local gift-obliterating furnace down for maintenance].)

     Your individually selected phrase of encouragement is: <Thank you for helping us help you help us all.>

 

 

 

Almost entirely semi-sincerely,

Presiding Aperture Science Enrichment Center Personnel Officer, <Snyder, Derek L.>

 

λ_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

 

 

Author's Note

I had a lot of fun drafting this. Feel free to copy and edit as you please, but I would like to be credited. Portal (c) VALVe Software, etc.