Hold it all In

I'm trying to break through,

Slip my fingers into your grooves

So we can dance,

Like no one ever has before

 

With our fingers laced,

like hour glasses

And your eyes become dark,

and then pale

As I continuosly exhale

 

These eminating fumes,

Desperation

pouring out of my veins,

And you always try not to say

that I just may be insane

 

As the smoke rolls

around your face,

Embracing

Like a cascade of broken dreams,

I feel like I'm ripping

from the seams,

but you're not going to sew

me back together

 

So the base of my neck

aches and pulses,

In conundrum with my

hearts beating,

And you tell me to just

hold my breath,

hold it all in

 

Until my face is the color of Melancholy.

Reviews

[Cynthia]

I ove this really much!
This is one of my favourite of your poem!

[Brittany W]

This is one of my favorite pieces of poetry by you, i loved the detail and emotion you put into this, great job.

[Akshat♥]

i liked this para very much..."With our fingers laced,
like hour glasses
And your eyes become dark,
and then pale
As I continuosly exhale"

this poem is beautifully written....nice concept.original & nicely finished...good job:)

[Crusaderscross]

This is the best I read from you up to now. The innoncence in your writing makes yiur poems really good. Your words grab the reader and say "this is me". Loved this one.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This was a great poem. I was touched. You have penned some powerful work.

[Sports Girl]

This has to be one of my favorites by you. Nicely done. I liked this one very much.

[Miss Coral]

Great piece.. I absolutely loved the last line.
I have to say though, some of the phrasing in this was throwing me off. For example:
"
With our fingers laced,
like hour glasses
And your eyes become dark,
and then pale
As I continuosly exhale"

This is a beautifully worded stanza.. however, everything is made up of fragment sentences. This normally isn't a problem in poetry, but when you say, "With our fingers laced" and then finish it, I'm going, with your fingers laced what? What happens? And you continue with more actions, but make that seem separate. It might just be standing out to me now, because I'm tired and irritable. But there it is.
Great piece otherwise. Like I said.. wonderful last line you have there.

-Coral-

[the-One-with-the-Darkne..]

Quite good. I like the form and flow of this.

[Shelby. Loves ya. :3]

this is great.

[Poetry Girl]

this is beautiful