Untitled(as of yet)

 

 

If I asked you to walk with me,

hold my hand

as we slide

against the ice and snow

 

I'd watch the hydrogen crystallize,

reflecting

green against

your laughing eyes

 

Would you be able to

 resist the solemn

retreat

of flying doves and

 passing feet

 

The numbness of your flesh, misty and pink

 

I caught your feeble affections

and turned them

 into something deep

 

 

Author's Note

maybe unfinished...

Reviews

[Clockwork]

It seems as if the speaker is inviting her lover to come with her into on a journey. Based on stanza three, I think it is a journey away from a place of sadness and oppression. It also seems that the speaker has an insight that her lover does not based on stanza four.

I like the images that you create in stanza two. The contrast between images of the crystallization and his eyes are a nice touch. I also like the rhythm and texture of stanza three.

I think that you have created a lot of great story lines here, I think they need to be woven together however. You have him leaving with the speaker, the crystallization that takes place when the journey, the question of temptation in stanza three, and the revelation of something deeper in stanza four. I think a bridge between the storylines in the opening half of the poem is needed though.

I like the start, and it was a pleasure reading.

[Bard Constantine]

An excellent description of winter romance. Interestingly while winter is used so often as a symbol of depression and death, here the metaphor is pleasantly flipped to capture the magic of rising affections. Nicely done...