I Want To Break Free

venting from the pre covid past

I want to break free. The phenomenal song written by one of my beloved bands, Queen, has

always had a special place in my heart, or technically my playlist. It's also a sentiment that often

echoes in my head. Not only reminding me of how music can help one ruminate but also of the

fact that no matter who you are or what story you have, the feelings conveyed by that song are

always relatable.

The thing that I would like to "break free" from would-be my past. I have not had a particularly

rough life, and yet I seem to be missing something. I have been lucky to have every opportunity

a person would need to succeed in life. From a stable childhood, an abundance of friends and

family, to a lack of financial hardship, and steady health. Despite all those reasons listed above, I

am not content. Mainly because I never valued these aspects of my life. Privilege can blind you

from appreciating what you already have. And, although I have learned this lesson, I still fail at

defying that practice.

The story of why I left high school might be the perfect example of this. On the morning of a

sunny day in June of 2014, a wide range of emotions washed over me. Anxiety, fear, anger, and

misery hit me at such a velocity that I felt completely paralyzed. I skipped school the following

week, and then the week after that, which turned into a month, and another month, and before I

knew it, I had missed an entire year of school, with no chance of going back, mostly due to sheer

embarrassment. There isn't a specific reason I can point toward making this decision. It could've

been the bullying I suffered at the hands of my classmates. The nagging thought that I was

utterly isolated or losing all my dearest friends. The fact that I had abysmal grades during the

most crucial years of secondary school. Despite having debated this in my mind repeatedly, I

don't know why I became so overwhelmed that one morning changed my life so drastically.

Whatever the reason might be, I could afford to make this decision and not regret it. Having a

choice itself requires being in a privileged position, whether or not you pick the right one.

After veering off my path, the other major commodity I misused was my time. Leaving an

institution really clears up your schedule. Instead of spending those recently earned hours on

trying to catch up on the knowledge, I was missing out on, they were depleted on mindless

procrastination for a long time. Keeping myself busy was my sole objective for years, be that by

reading a gripping novel, watching YouTube on auto play, or staring blank-eyed at my bedroom

ceiling. As the fourth dimension endlessly marched on, so did the world. I developed a hobby of

watching the news. Being aware of world events at first seemed like a productive use of my

energy. However, it quickly turned into an unhealthy obsession. Watching the whole world

seemingly plunge into chaos while staying an idle spectator is a chilling experience, instilling a

sense of utter powerlessness.

So, it's been quite a journey from that beautiful June morning to this moment. From realizing my

flaws to education in how society operates, this spur of the moment sabbatical has taught me

immensely. All I long for is to keep learning. About myself, about others, about everything I can.

To keep changing, and help in bringing change, no matter the size of the impact. And, to finally

break free.