Untouchable

You took her virginity

But something else was taken, too

She was a wide eyed girl

And she only had eyes for you

She used to dream a little girl's dream

But something came and made her fall

I love you, I love you, I love you

You love me, you love me, you love me

Tell me, why does this hurt?

Help me, when will I learn?

We might think we're untouchable

But you and me, we're quite breakable.

Reviews

[David Scott]

Maybe this is why we should not be touching things until we are qualified...? :)
A story far too common and so easily avoided.
Men grow up way too late and hurt others in their selfish, childish stupidity... I should know, I am a man.
Women think they know more than they do until they find out too late what they can trust and what they can never trust...
Interesting write Lovelace.

[Lauren]

Thank you David

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem had a honest and direct tone to it. It felt like listening to a private conversation. I like how you led to the strong ending. We are all breakable. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Lauren]

Thank you so much!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Tex]

I think this is not finished yet (I have a few of those up on WC as well) I suggest you consider choosing third person or first person as your prospective to write this. Your first two stanzas are in third person, your last stanza is in first person. the result is a more emotionally strong last stanza. if you chose to stick with one perspective or the other the reader will not notice a change and the read will be smother for us. Ok now for my review:

I loved this. I think the way you deal with the topic is really creative. you have something here.

Take my first paragraph or leave it, this is your write. You own it. there may be a reason you took this approach. If so add the reason in the authors note when you post or edit the poem. (you can also indicate in that section if you want or do NOT want this type of critique). reviewers will respect your wishes.

If you have this in you then... Keep on writing!

[Lauren]

I definitely appreciate your critique! So thank you!:)
I'm not really sure what this is... mostly the result of having a few of these lines already in my head and wanting to do something with them, Hopefully there will be a better 2.0 version.

[Tex]

Ha I love it... That happens to me all the time! I just have to get it down and worry about cleaning it up latter.

[Ees]

Nice poem.
I quite like it, though I am not entirely sure if I like how removed you seem to be in the first and second stanzas when you come to sound much more personal in the last stanza. The last stanza is surely your strongest.


from my own personal perspective I do have a question, though, why do people put so much emphasis on virginity and losing it? What difference does it make if it was the first time or the hundredth? if you are hurt, you are hurt...

Nice poem.

[Lauren]

Thank you!
I guess when you're young and a bit clueless, and you give it up to someone, it really makes it hurt even more. Knowing you gave up so much to someone, and they continuously hurt you.

Of course it depends on the person, too.

[Ees]

Maybe my question was to the world less than to you. haha.

[Elaine]

I'm not sure about the second stanza- the last two lines are distracting. I do like the first stanza though very much and the last two lines of the final stanza. Good job, and thanks for the friend invite. :)

[Lauren]

Thank you(: