Practical Survival Guide For The Confused

How ro find harmony in your confusion

Practical Survival Guide For The Confused

Buy a happy meal without the fries for a less pleasurable experience (but at the same or more price.) You should never be too happy when mundane will suffice.

You do not own a car (because we said so), so buy collision insurance for one half of your body. (The side less used.) Equip battle gear and armor for the other half just in case and just because and to be on the safe side.
Always be on the right side be it right or left.

Suicide is not advisable when living in the moment or while asleep.

Don’t drink and drive. Don’t drive and drink. Come to think of it, don’t do anything. Don’t think.

When you cross the street look one way. UP.  When you walk into traffic you will never see what hit you. If you look both ways people will think of you as being stupid because you are shaking your head. When you shake your head left and right it signifies “no.” (No is not advisable under any circumstances.)

Stay in bed. Never leave the house.
Sleep on your left side with one eye wide open even though the right might be right. We are pretty sure right is right. Two eyes would be impractical when facing north and south simultaneously. Sleep west for best results.

Keep a glass half full. The other half should be kept empty. A broken glass is of no use but it depends on what was in it to begin with.

Squeeze toothpaste at the end. (Never from the middle.) Don’t squeeze too much or people will think you are lovers or just plain weird.

Use yellow mustard on hot dogs. If you use any other kind your ducks will quack. Your children will cry (but don’t beat them.) Your wife will leave you. (especially after what you have done to the toothpaste and after all, she uses brown mustard which is cause enough for divorce.

When jumping from a plane at high altitudes crossing over the Grand Canyon, never detach your parachute in mid flight going down. That speaks for itself. Gravity speaks even louder.  Ouch!....Thud!...followed by death or something more serious.

Use the power of persuasion to influence people other than yourself. Talk in complete sentences. Make sure someone is there to hear you. Use words. Words are important when communicating.

Remove yourself from reality. It is as easy as changing a light bulb where one person holds the bulb up and two other people turn the center person clockwise until the light is secured in the socket. If you live in the southern hemisphere you might have to rotate the individual counter clockwise. (Check the manual for security.)
*There is one circumstance where you only need a psychiatrist to change a light bulb but the light must want to be changed.

Use a rifle when hunting. (Use bullets for best results.) Don’t shoot with your eyes closed. Don’t kiss with your eyes open. Don’t open your mouth or a bug will fly in.

If you have any questions stop right there. Don’t be rude. This is a practical guide for the confused. We are not your mother. Call her if you need answers or someone to tie your shoes.  You will never be confused if you wear a pair of shoes and walk into the traffic in the middle of the night to see the pretty shiny lights hanging up their pretty shiny in delight.