Prologue

Its short >.<

He struggles against the metal chains that hold him down to the bed. They scar and make his wrists drip blood. He hollers and lets out cries for help, for anyone to come and save him from this white room he is trapped in.

  But no one listens. No one comes. And soon he gives up on his yelling.

  He doesn’t remember his name. He doesn’t know where he is. He doesn’t know anything.

  The only thing he knows is that something is wrong with him. He feels un-human, he feels out of place.

  He lets out one last agonizing cry before he collapses back on the bed, crying and whimpering for someone to save him. 

Author's Note

Sorry for the shortness. The next chapters will be longer.

Reviews

[Calypso]

AMAZING!!!!!!!
So crazy and a mind blowing beginning!
You're crazy talented.

[Karli]

INTENSE. Leaves me wanting more. :)

[Daydreamer54]

WOW, VERY SAD snd errie, i shall read on! ^^

[brenda]

this si great and suspenseful love it !!

[Kiri Nells]

The prologue is often the "before piece" that draws people in. This passage definitely shows something that makes the reader want more and wonder what will happen next. Strength in this focus area is remarkable.

Next, people assume that playing with structure and emotion is simply stuff of poetry. This is not true. Standing out as a great artist most certainly applies to authors as well. That said, I think that this passage could be stronger if the feelings of the character were better explained rather than inferred. What this means is that instead simply,

"No one listens. No one comes. And soon he gives up."

Add more and maybe play with the placement of the sentences.

"No one listens.
No one comes; soon he gives up.
The utter aloneness seeps through his veins causing this final forfeit. The void of presence tears his aching heart. He doesn't even know his name, let alone where he is. Nothing. He knows- nothing."

The effect you tried to pull off with the short sentences is recognizable, but simply doesn't work in this setting. Don't be afraid to let the emotions engage the audience. The strength in this paragraph will grow before the computer screen if more in-depth descriptions and emotions are shown.

Finally, a very small adjustment that isn't necessary but absolutely helps clean up this start is choosing a different word for the second time "hollers" is used. "Screams" "Releases one last cry of agony" any synonym for the word would work. Using two words for the same thing in close proximity can throw even the most rock solid works off balance.

This critique was hard to write, honestly, because it was written well. The hopes for this aren't to make you edit this, but use it as future reference for publishing level work.

Great job :)

95/100

[halflives]

Good first chapter. I'm intrigued.

[Raven Starhawk]

Shortness is sometimes what makes a chapter. It leaves a lasting flavor in a reader's mouth that promotes for a interesting curiosity to read more.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

I don't know if I agree with you on the length. It seemed perfect to me combined with the way you used the suspense. If this were a trailer...I'd definitely want to see the movie.

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

Great start. I think this was a good length because it makes me want to read more of the story. I love the cliffhanger in the ending because that's basically what it is. Thanks for sharing.

[ImagineItAll]

This is great! Don't apologize for shortness when the writing is so great and interesting! This is intriguing and I hope to read more soon!