808s & Heartbreak

Love It or Hate It.

Everything hit me at once

How could I have been such a dunce

I gave you all of my trust 

Now I only think of you in disgust

You were with him that night

You said you felt contrite

A tear comes down my face,

When I rushed out of that place

    

Its so heartbreaking that you did that 

Now I guess you're just another stat

You cheated on me and I can't manage

My heart needs a bandage

Depression seeks in quick

This pain weighs thick

I wasn't use to heartbreak

So now I live with heartache

Author's Note

Didn't go over it just wrote it and put it up!

Reviews

[Wynter Ignatius]

I've been cheated on every time in my three relationships, so I can feel a similar pain to this. We give our trust to another or as the quote goes;

"Love it giving someone the power to destroy you... but trusting them not to." - Unknown

It is unfortunate you dealt with this but times change. They were not right for you not because they cheated so much but rather they failed to respect you and did not take the above quote to heart.

We often trust the wrong people, we all know this, but if we don't trust anyone we can not be loved. It is a delicate balance on the edge of a blade we all endure rather than fall upon the point.

[Jack Kennedy]

Ahh that quote was great and also very original! That ks for the review and the kind words as well. It meant a lot believe it or not! (Ha that rhymed)

[stars are far]

That was well written..I can relate to this ..and keep writing :)

[Madalyn Beck]

Jack, this is a great write about how cheating can really ruin a person. Not only for the one relationship, but for future ones as well. Trust is something we all take for granted. Great job with this! (:

[Saddam]

You were with him that night
You said you felt contrite
A tear comes down my face,
When I rushed out of that place.

Effective words selection and clever write about negetivity. Blessings.

[Michael Stevens]

Such powerful words for such a negative act!

[Robert D. Winthrop]

Okay, Jack, her is my review. I hope you will take it as a lesson, and not be upset. Mainly, your meter is off. Pick a meter like iambic pentameter or some other. Count the syllables off on your fingers.
Da-DUM, Da-DUM, Da-DUM, Da-DUM. Make the lines match. Don't just grab any word for a rhyme. Look until you find just the right word. Use a rhyming dictionary. "Manage" and "bandage" do not really rhyme. Make your rhymes perfect until you are famous, and then you can get away with what is called near rhyme.
For example, how can depression "seek" in quick? How about "sets" in quick?

[Arabella Song]

Hmmm, I really like the emotions here, however, the rhyming seems rather forced. Part of it is that I'm not a fan of couplets, especially when they go "aabb ccdd eeff," etc rather than "aabb aabb ccdd" or some other variation thereof.

But, the emotions and form were good and I liked what you were saying :)

[Margo Seuss]

I like the line about the heart needing a bandage! I'm not really much of a poem master ( my poems are actually quite horrid) so I'm not sure how I can help you improve. All I can say is read your poems out loud and see how they sound. I find a problem with my own poems is that they don't have a good flow. Try reading this out loud. If anything sounds awkward to you, you may need to reword some things or take out some words...maybe even replace some words! The editing process truly is a beast!!! Keep writing! I see much potential!!!

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Jack --- I read your email...so here I am reviewing one of your verses...seems this is done with rhyme scheme...seems forced...as I read the words...I see that you just jotted this down...so look over the lines and make a difference...I would look into this line:

Depression seeks in quick
This pain weighs thick
I wasn't use to heartbreak
So now I live with heartache
---
Depression sets in quick
This pain weighs thick
I wasn't use to heartbreak
So now I live with heartache

---
a personal reflective piece...yet a coming of age type of write...in the way you portray this in the words...I will be reviewing longer writes for a few writers here...so please understand --- my time is limited and valued...keep writing...and make your mark...

[Ravyne Hawke]

Pure raw emotions... a well-penned rant

[Mercy Fae]

Very, very true. What you've written here is great.