The man who stares at the stars

hey first piece of writing i have uploadeddd opinions please

A man and a woman,

fall in love for no reason,

but she’s taken,

never to be returned.

 

As she lay sifting,

she said slowing drifting,

that star,

that star will be me forever.

 

A man now heartbroken,

always awoken,

staring,

he stays staring at the stars.

 

A man just stays laying,

never decaying,

he’s the man,

the man who stares at the stars.

Author's Note

review this please
and tell me what you think

Reviews

[Gerald Parker]

Please change 'laying.' 'And 'decaying' doesn't work, I'm sorry to say. Also the rhythm would be better if you dropped 'at' in the last line. There's just a suggestion in this poem that your desire to rhyme is dictating what you say. (169 views - how do you do it?)

[dicey jones]

I think the same of all your poems; Interesting, Thought provoking, and the ease to which they flow...

[oh,hey.]

Thankyou!

[David Scott]

Two corrections: 1. "never to been" last line of first stanza should read "never to be"
2. I think we lay bricks and eggs... A person lies down.
Now, the creativity and expression of thought is effective if not a bit over familiar in the medium of your metaphors. A fine write and worth the time to read it.

[oh,hey.]

thank you

[spunthestars]

Lovely and simple. :)

[Patrick]

i like it mostly for its simplicity..and i do like that last line because of its sad tone

[Daisy]

This is so beautiful, so cute but sad at the same time.

[Dr. Wood ?]

great title to a good poem in my humble opinion..I am a little uncomfortable with the rhyme using 'awoken' it seems a little forced....I would have altered that line

[Diasha]

I like your poems ^^
This one was really cute
I felt like you could have put more behind the love between the man and woman (why was she taken?)

I really loved the ending though :D!
the last 2 stanzas capture my heart :3

Good write XD ★

[oh,hey.]

thank you, I didnt know how to put a stanza in about her being taken because nothing seemed to fit.

[Diasha]

I still really like it though ^^

[oh,hey.]

aw thankyou

[.]

very nicely penned..very sad but it has some slow sad music through the lines and in the rhyming with very nice flow

[Andrew Coate]

The only thing I'd say is that the last line doesn't really flow. Content-wise it's fairly neutral but the last line needs one less syllable.