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Can you see me burning?

This is serious.

 

Tear off my wings

And set me free.

 

I walk upon

That shadowed hill.

 

Away from the world.

 

I walk out on them all.

And I don't give a damn.

 

They treated me wrong.

So this is what they deserve.

Reviews

[Austin Smith]

Please take these comments with a grain of salt; these are, after all, my opinion.

I question your use of all those periods. I didn't like it in your second like; it kinda weakened the seriousness to me. I also question the four periods at the end; it seemed to constantly stop the poem without a good effect. I liked the one line by itself; it made the poem a little more cemented.

Messagewise, I didn't think there was enough. "Tear off my wings/and set me free". Free from what? Why should we tear off your wings and stop you from burning? You don't have to tell us outright, but at least put another line or couplet in there to vaguely explain it. Going from setting you free by tearing off your wings to walking on a shadowed hill (which was a very nice touch, by the way) doesn't make sense. Why fly if you have wings? For time away from other winged creatures? To stay away from the winged creatures who exiled you? It needs more.

I liked where it was going, but there just wasn't enough. It moved too slow and it ended too quickly. I hope you take these into consideration when writing your next poem.

[Aisha]

I liked how this poem was short and to the point, but you could still feel the emotion from behind the words. The line "Tear off my wings/ and set me free" stuck out to me, because normally you're asking /for/ wings, and I liked the new contrast.