The Easy Option

Removing yourself doesn't remove your problems for those who care about you

I don't have the energy 

to force a smile.

I can't silently disguise 

the sensation of every word

sticking in my throat.

Choking me as it tightens.

I retreat.

It is selfish and weak

but it is also merciful:

every question left hanging,

every averted eye and

every comment thought better of

is a double-edged sword that

I recoil from.

This manifestation of my lacking

ability to accept over apologise;

this self-originating parasite

goes under many names:

guilt, embarrassment, loathing

but these are proudly claimed

creations of shame.

The shame that I deny

laughs at my naivety,

because it has no power.

I created it. I nurtured it.

Now I protect it.

And only I can destroy it.

As long as it's in the

back of my mind,

transforming every vague allusion

into personal attacks,

I am submissive to it.

I refuge in isolation. 

I'm aware that every evasion

is a foothold for it.

I compromise to aleviate

the weight of what

I view as a failure.

But now I see those I leave 

behind share the burden.

And that truth is harder to swallow. 

Author's Note

It's far too easy to assume what's best for other people, and when you ask them you're rarely right.
Thanks for all comments.

Reviews

[Suhd]

Emma, this piece is subtle and quite insightful. It inspires me. Great job !

[Emma]

Thanks very much

[Lorry]

I think that when this piece is read, it should be read again after reading the authors note. At the very least it will delay our judgement...which we come to by thinking with our minds and assuming everyone is the same.
I have felt these words in my past and will no doubt feel them again, but they will only ever be similar in topic, as we all take different paths to get to where We find ourselves.
I particularly connect with compromise, which is to me, another way of masking what we have failed so many times to be heard, so that is the mask we wear.
Thought provoking words, that linger.

[Emma]

Thank you so much and I'm so glad that it brought back your own memories. We definitely all hide or feelings in different ways and with hindsight we all see that it didn't benefit anyone but it's always less clear what to do when you're in the circumstance.

[Sami Khalil]

You are a rising star indeed. Your poetry is very effective and authentic. Introspection and value to life, freedom and justice are your hallmarks.

[Emma]

Thank-you very much for seeing the positives and what I value in what I'm afraid probably focuses far too much on the negatives but I think that is the only way to bring about change in myself, and hopefully others.

[Sami Khalil]

I do agree. The ying yang has to be balanced. We see the value from the opposite and from within. You are welcome.