Her Girl

Looking back from today towards the days spent in school and and a summer night shortly after, I never would have thought I would have a story quite like this one to tell. Bare with me, the things I will state do not stray from anything but reality. So let me begin by sharing a few insights of myself, I am in fact a lesbian, having said that doesn't make me out to be some kind of strong individual..I just know what I want in life and I refuse to keep it hidden. Anyway, don't let that simple detail take away from the moral of the story. Titles of sexuality serve no purpose to me really, attraction has no gender-restriction in my opinion. I was always a hopeless romantic with a huge heart that was wide open and I believed I would know right away who the right girl for me would be, but the truth is you never know, that's the wonder of it. You take a dive into the unknown, and come up with someone you can really see yourself with. At the end is when you look back to the beginning of it all and say to yourself, "I felt for her all along, realization just took the while to sink in is all." I switched schools junior year and it was the absolute best thing that happened in my life thus far. Meeting her was the very second. Her humor was not typical run of the mill, it was unique as she was. I've laughed before but never as hard as she could make me. I spent more time writing notes to her than I did taking notes for class. Each word she wrote sent endorphines through me vastly. When she spoke, I tuned everything out effortlessly. She gained my full attention from day one. I suppose I held off on her based upon my assumption that she couldn't possibly feel the same. I don't fall easily, no not at all..but when she entered my life I couldn't hold off the fall. The chemistry between us was the smoking gun to what my heart felt for her. She really blew me away. We lived afar, so a date was set to spend day and night together. I visited her place, it was peaceful and wonderful. It was like her own little world which she allowed me into and I was happy to explore every piece of it with her. I must admit I was overly nervous to be so close to her. School I could handle, we were surrounded by classmates but being without a crowd really racked my nerves. I was a total scattered mess that entire evening. I fought to give into my thoughts, and at most points desires. I was the guest, so I felt a certain respect to not make any moves unless she did so first. She never did. When we finally laid in her bed, lights out, my thoughts ran rapid. "Say something, anything." "Do it now, this is your last chance" "come on just do it" the darkness helped me to swallow my nerves and accumulate enough strength to ease words out finally. I had been dying to just hold her hand, to feel her touch so I told her just that. The hard part was over for me, now I just had to follow through with her permission. In that moment nothing was rushed, I handled her with care, took her hand delicately and what a relief it was after all that time spent fighting myself. I then felt comfortable enough to move my body towards her. Comfortable was gone soon then, and curiousity took it's place. I had, just had to kiss her, I thought to myself, there will never be another perfect opportunity like this one. I moved in slightly, holding off to see if she would pull away or even push me away but she did neither. Without words exchanged, I invited my lips onto hers ever so carefully. Just what I had been longing for. To give into temptation, surely never disappoints and it did not. From that first lip lock had me craving more. She must have had the same craving because she kept on kissing me right back. We were intertwined from time to time and I wanted her to officially be mine. It didn't go further than the kissing and eventually her holding me tightly against her chest where I couldn't help but drift away with a smile on. A night that will forever play in the back of my mind. The next morning was not so much the same, I could tell there was change..in the way of her eyes that looked at me, she would smile but I knew it was forced. We were shattered but it didn't matter I wouldn't believe it, i winced the thought away. Turned out I should have accepted it sooner, because she ended us. Gave me every excuse a mind could think of, it was her fear of acceptance by her father...it was her not being good enough...it was me deserving better...it was her not ready for a relationship...it was us moving too fast, but even after all those "reasons" I still couldn't grasp how she could outweigh the reasons why we should be together with reasons that we shouldn't. We could have paved a way, she could have fought for us, wasn't what we had worth fighting for? Society and mostly Fear kept us apart sadly. So there you have it. Girl likes girl; girl feels ashamed; girl ends it. The moral here is don't ever be afraid to love another...look beyond gender, labels, and ridicule. Fight for what you want. If you don't like who you are then how will anyone else. You have to love yourself before you can love another. Sounds easy right? Well not for everyone. Remember there's always a way, it's up to you to figure out the how.