The Gym... a collection of Short comical Stories

The Juice Monkey and Sammy Slacks

Alas, I have stumbled upon a few new prey in which to focus my ridicule on. The gym provides me with constant entertainment, and somehow writing about the things I see makes me feel like I hate being there a little bit less. So seeing as how I am in need of a good laugh, I hereby share with you my observations as I sure they wont go unappreciated.

 Updates:

Skeletor: It has come to my attention that our dear malnourished friend Skeleltor has recently purchased herself a pair of large "bolt ons." This means large breast implants. I simply can't imagine a worse Idea as she is now going to acquire a new problem, this being the constant battle to not let her new friends pull her to the ground. I am a huge fan of fake b***s and I do think that everyone should have them just as I think men should weight at least 200lbs (not fat 200lbs though), just a personal opinion. Poor sweet little Skeletor went to this doctor and asked him/her for a small body lift. He said that he couldn't because she was too thin. I have decided that someone, perhaps even a small child as they could easily overpower her, should trap her in the spin classroom and inject her with cheeseburger fat. We could help her without her having to eat a thing. I am absolutely dying of anticipation to feast my eyes on this absurdity. Stand by for future updates.

The gym w***e: Be advised of explicit content: This slanderous Villain of a person has since added herself to my list of "must be destroyed," evil pirate hookers. Oh how the very sight of her makes me want to throw a large dumbbell at her overdone hairdo. The Queen of all Haters, This woman spends all day being horribly nasty to the ladies of the gym, (and not like me in a funny way) in an evil jealous tirade sort of way. Dear Gym W***e, If you insist on hating on me and my friends please at least have the decency to say something to me when I flip you and ROID HEAD off. I will until then devote my wonderful blog to exposing you for the nasty, cheating horrible person that you are. If you ever walk by me and my friend again and scrunch up your ugly little face in disgust, and whisper to the retard again I will have to start posting my blogs on your locker. 
P.S. Just because you do your hair to go to the gym does not mean we don't notice how HURT your face is. NOW BACK OFF, same outfit everyday little fu*cker!

Newbies: 

Sammy Slacks: Imagine this: Unusually tall man of about 35, pale-ish yellow skin color, dark fuzzy hair, black rimmed bifocals of preposterous size, a USC sleeveless jersey, and slacks with dress shoes. Blue-tooth in ear. Need I say more. This is almost as bad as working out in jeans, as I can't imagine this be anything but a chafing disaster. This intriguing new creature appeared out of nowhere today and I immediately appointed him to my partners team. "Your team" is a friendly game you play when you see somebody absolutely ridiculous. You shout out "YOUR TEAM" and the person in question you are pointing at, goes immediately to your adversaries team. The point of the game is obviously just to make fun of people without them knowing, and add as many team-mates to everyone else's team but your own. However, beware that it is very difficult to play this game if you have taught every person you know about it. Talk about constantly being aware of your surroundings. My dear adopted baby sister and I have started pulling up to bus stops and sticking our camera phones out the window to take a picture of the assuredly fantastic team-mates you can usually find there. We then send them to our rivalries with an attached message of... "Your team." "Your team" is a game for all ages and is sure to entertain all. However, I am master at this so know that when challenging me to a battle for I always win. 

The Juice Monkey: "Juice" is a term used as a nickname for Steroids. As I have no particular quarrel with people using such "supplements" as It usually only makes them look better, I do find it most enjoyable to watch the people that you can tell are obviously.... on the juice. My lovely gym does not produce many overly buff men, but those it does are either 17-20 years old or 50, for the most part. Quite the disappointment. The one that is the most obvious "juice monkey" is a young man around, id say 20. He has a curiously large head, I suppose to match in proportion to his gigantic gorilla man body. He always walks with it sort of cocked to the side, and I dare to even wonder why. He usually pedals on the stationary bicycle before he waddles into the weight room. He shows up as if he were entering a wet t-shirt contest. His wife-beater is completely drenched and see-through at this point, as if his slow-motion cardio just gave him the workout of his life. He never really moves around all that fast as I'm sure his giant body prevents his parts from functioning normally due to how much they must weigh. The other day I watched him park his truck and walk into the gym, as I can't seem to not watch him when he walks. Its like an accident you feel bad for starring at but can't help it at the same time. He has the most peculiar walk, more like a hobble or waddle. It looks as if he just shot a giant shot of steroids directly into his butt cheek, which I'm very certain is what he just did. He drags his feet as if his a*s is made of metal and his joints are rusted stiff. It looks like he is in serious pain. Poor boy, didn't your mommy tell you not to play with sharp objects. Your butt is supposed to be exit only my dear. Besides hobbling all over the gym like a deformed Quazimoto, he is the brightest shade of red at all times, another side effect, and it makes me wonder if he cares that everyone can tell what he choses to do to his rear-end.

 I feel as If I am a member of the ugliest people gym in the world. It is hardly motivating to workout surrounded by donkeys. I sigh to myself as I gaze around in disgust at the type of people that chose to infest my gym. Where do all the good looking people workout? 

Sincerely,  
 -Life