The light of Vermonille - 1

If you look up into the sky on a clear summer's night, you can see the North Star shining brightly; twinkling like a firefly in a jar. Look past that, right through the Milky Way, then past that through the rest of the galaxy, and you find a path. It's not obvious to most, but it's there. If you follow that path, it will take you on a straight route through the universe to a planet called Kelbridd, which is similar to most planets in many ways. If you pick the heart-shaped continent, and then proceed to the county known for growing and distributing the most selb, you've finally found the quaint, humble town of Vermonille. Vermonille is a small country town located in the mid-eastern side of the country, and, like most country towns, everyone knows each other and gets along. Our town is small enough to operate like one, big family, so we all know each other pretty well. I remember a clear night's sky, when I could look up and see the constellations. My favorite is a giant sea creature representing luck and wisdom called Dunette. The story behind it is facinating, and has made it one of my favorite constellations. I sat on a fallen tree trunk in the backyard, and looked up at the dark sky thinking about how peaceful it is here. I thought about how much I would miss the beautiful, green hills and all the lush, parks of the country. The thought took me back to when my Dad would take the family camping in those hills and we'd catch our dinner, and then cook by a campfire. I breathed in remembering the mixed smell of smoke and roasting treats as Dad would tell us stories under the stars.

“Hey, Leanne." I felt tree I was sitting on move as my friend James sat down to join me.

       "Hey." My response was dull, as I was still mesmerized by the stars. I looked up at it like I was becoming hypnotized, and found it difficult to take my eyes off the sky. Maybe it was the pressure of leaving. Maybe I was too afraid of the pain I would feel saying good-bye to everyone. Maybe I just wasn't ready to leave, even though I knew I had to.

       "Gearin' up to move on to college tomorrow?" James asked with a hint of hesitation. I turned to face my friend and looked him straight in the eye.

       “I'm gonna miss you droppin' by.” I felt a little lump start to well in my throat and I swallowed my last word. “You've been doing this since you were five. Do you realize that?” He laughed gently and nodded.

       “I only live over there,” he said pointing towards the house next door. It never really dawned on me how close we had been living until now. “It's just too easy,” he said with a pert grin. One December 3rd, James' mother was rushed to the hospital and delivered a big baby boy into the world. About two months later, my mother delivered me, and we've been neighbors ever since. The reality is that our families had grown up so close that James was almost like one of my siblings.
        “It's gonna be hard to leave after all these years. Isn't it?” James empathized.

“Yeah,” I whispered, and shrugged awkwardly. “But I wanna go,” I kept on.
        “I know.” He put one big, muscular arm around me and gave me a gentle squeeze. “But the Leanne Timmani I know wouldn't let sentimentality hold her back. You're definitely the college type. You'll probably keep on 'till you get your phD, if I know you.” I looked down to keep from crying, and then looked back up.

    “I would've liked you to come with me,” I hinted.

      “Na,” he sighed. “You know I can't leave Reuben here all by himself maintaining the property.”

     “Just for the record,” I began, “I think they would've done just fine if you had. Reuben's strong. You gotta give 'em more credit.” James laughed with me as I lightly slapped his knee.

      "I'm really gonna miss you, Leanne." James' voice was low to the point of a whisper. I'd never heard him talk this way before, and it was strange to see him like this. I took a big breath in and let out a long, slow sigh.
     "Yeah," I responded lifelessly, still mesmerized by the sky. "Me, too." I shook my head from side to side slowly. "I can't stop thinking about what it's gonna be like out there."
      "I'm scared." My hands began to shake as I grabbed onto the wooden tree that we were both sitting on. As open as our friendship was, I was still embarrassed by the small trembles that I could feel rising in my voice.
      "You've never really been outta this town, have you." James knew my sheltered past, and his compassion brought my anxiety to a calm. He picked up my hand and looked me with strong conviction.
"You'll be just fine out there. You're gonna make a whole bunch of friends and, if things don't work out, you can always come back home." His words gave me some relief, but my stomach still churned with every thought.
"Leanne.” My mother voice called from inside the house. “You've still gotta finish packin' up for tomorrow."
"I'd better go back in." I stood up and James stood up with me. He held my hands, and we looked at each other for a brief moment until tears came down James' perfect face.
"Remember." He shook my hands with conviction once more. "Anytime you wanna come home. Alright?"
"Oh, James." The tears had finally escaped and began streaming down my face. James grabbed me into his big body and gave me a huge hug. He held me tight and swung me from side to side and I could feel his wet tears on the top of my head. My mother called me in a second time, and I was released from his grip.
"Thanks James. I'll write you as soon as I get a chance." We kissed each other on the cheek, and I ran inside to my mother. When I got inside, my mother was already sorting out my clothes placing and them on the couch into little piles. My trunk was open, and and she had already put my name and address on every side with a thick, black marker. 

"Go get everyone and we'll have dinner." She didn't look at me as she spoke, but instead just kept organizing my college gear. I walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled.
"Leanne," my mother looked at me and ordered. "They're in the family room." I went over and found my brother and twin sisters cuddled up to my dad under a soft fleece blanket watching television.
"Dinner's ready," I announced. Instead of waiting for them to get up, I jumped under the blanket with them. They were surprised by my behavior, but made room for me, anyway. My dad was the first to squeeze out and toward the dinner table and the rest of us followed. My mother had prepared and incredible dinner with local meats and veggies we bought earlier today. My mother roasted part of the boxen my father caught with Trevor a couple of days ago, and served it with fresh veggie, mashed sweet pars, and lots of colorful selb. Mom made two homemade pies and served them with ice cream bought from one of the local dairy farms. I savored the tangy taste of the spiced capelfruit mixed with my the sweet pastry unique to our kitchen. The other pie was made of mixed berries my mother picked with the twins last weekend. I stopped chewing for a moment and took a moment of thought for myself. It was then that it occurred to me how much I will miss family dinner. I'll miss the conversations; my dad's laugh, my sisters squabbling about who's older, or how they're different, my brother's concern for the environment, and desire to go to college himself one day..... And it was then that I wondered what mealtime is going to be like from now on.

Author's Note

If you read this, please leave a review and tell me your experience. Constructive cristicism is always welcome. Thank you to anyone who reads my work and those who leave feedback. Please give as honest feedback as possible so that I may grow as a writer.

Reviews

[Jessi Berlasty]

"a clear summer's night(,) you can see T(t)he North Star shining brightly(,) twinkling like a firefly in a jar." "right through T(t)he Milky Way" "to a planet called Kelbridd(,) which is just like Earth in many ways" " like each other(,) which is more than I can say" "Those born under the Dunette zodiac of Dunette are supposed" Repetitive. "Dunette is one of my favorites(,) even through(though) I was born under Zifon(,) which is the big octopus." "I've never ever been outside this town(,) and tomorrow I leave" "Have you.(?)" "we looked at each( )other for a brief moment" "streaming down my face(,) and James grabbed me into his big body" "We kissed each( )other on the cheek(,) and I ran inside to my mother."

I'll give my final feedback of the story when I catch up!

[Jasmine Thousand]

This was kind of sad. :( I loved it though. The world (so far) seems pretty normal :) It's great! *reads on*

~Fifth Daily War Award~

[Tala]

I quite like the idea of the whole parallel planet type thing, i'm super excited to see what the differences are but i like the similarities. Some of the sentence/style of it was sort of basic? i don't know how better to say it. it's ot exactly bad but parts of it might sound better if you added a few sentences together.

[Samuel Dickens]

You have the gift of the story-teller. With that said, I think the opening paragraph should be edited a bit to remove some of the "if you"s. A very basic rule of writing is to avoid the over-use of a word or phrase. For instance, instead of saying "If you follow the path", say "Follow the path, and you...."

[Searching 4 Serenity]

The beginning was interesting enough.

"I'd better go back in." I stood up and James stood up with me. He held my hands and we looked at each other for a brief moment until tears came down James' sweet face."
That's the love bomb in this whole piece.

You seem to write the nicest things. I hope to view another one soon.

[Veronica Chandler]

I loved the lively imagry you paint with your words; the world so perfectly described by imagination alone is so cool. The other dimensional look at the astrology of another world added an awsome twist. A world so different and at the same time so similar; just beautiful. The only constructive criticism I can see is that you start by saying, "Hey, Leanne." I felt the fallen tree move as my friend James sat down to join me." And later you say, "I'm scared, James." My hands began to shake as I grabbed onto the wooden bench that we were both sitting on. It is very minor thing but you may clarify; personally I like the fallen tree better. Maybe they have move to the wodden bench and maybe the fallen tree is a wodden bench. Regardless the story is really good and well written.

[Ravyne Hawke]

I really like this a lot. Looks like Jessi gave most of the constructive criticism as far as grammar and punctuation go. I am worried that there isn't enough of a separation between earth and this other planet. They seem so closely related that people may confuse them. Perhaps if there is a link draw between the two? for instance, Kelbridd got it's way of life from visiting Earth or vice versa? Perhaps she will learn about this at University? This does have a sci-fi feel to it. I love the characters already and the drama building up. Great job so far and I cannot wait to read more of this piece.

[StarNinja]

Kind of short for a first chapter, but I enjoyed the brevity. This certainly is a different kind of story. There were a couple places that were worded awkwardly, like when James first started speaking and he had "a little tone of holding back" or "Dunette zodiac of Dunette". Also, you should add a comma between "mother ordered" and "stopping" so we readers know there's supposed to be a pause there. Otherwise, everything else looked pretty good. Great job!

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

I am thinking Sci-Fi and how this would be an excellent story for an older child or young teen. Very well written.....great start

[Vanessa Rico]

WOW! I can tell you thought this out before you wrote it, because the descriptions of everything to the town and light of Vermonill and the characters are flawless. Like Thomas said, I love the sort of scifi vibe with normal life and life experiences! I will definitely be reading on! Great job so far!