Unavailable

It always seems to me

That she

Is unavailable.

At first it was literal

She was with another.

But then it shifted.

I gave up my morals, so I thought, to be with her.

And she respected my morals to yield.

But still she is unavailable.

 

She is unavailable.

Sometimes physical, distance prevents are touch

Sometimes logistically, we have no time for ourselves

Sometimes socially, there are people with us that do not understand and do not know.

Sometimes, but mostly, it is emotional.

How can a person be there in the be there in my arms and yet not be anywhere near me?

 

She yields to my touch, but does she want it?

Or does she just not mind the sensation.

Is the feeling of another simple that, sensation.

I cannot tell is she is a flower that follows the sun

Or a cat that sleeps in it for the pleasure.

I can understand if I am but another bed for her, another simple pleasure.

For all the feeling I have for her, she too meets these base needs.

But sometimes I wonder if I am too her this bright daisy, this unblemished fruit.

Or if I am simple a family pet that came in to lie on the rug in front of the fireplace.

Am I an apple sitting in a basket in a bare kitchen.

Or am I an apple on the tree.

You are special to me,

But I don’t think I’m special to you.

 

Why did you ask of me?

Is this a result of your desperation?

What do I mean to you?

I care about you so much

And I know you care about me.

You are not Heartless.

You are not cruel.

But you are so very, very unkind.

Not because you intend to be.

But because you are unable to give me what I need.

 

You see me not as a non-entity.

But not as a person that can function in your context.

You see my affection as nothing more as the warmth of breath.

As this hunger that we all fell as this horny loneliness,

Ant perhaps it is.

Perhaps it is not that I love you or care for you or have any feeling of happiness and positivity in me for your being.

Maybe I am unavailable

 

Wanting a version of you that I have imagined.

That I have somehow fabricate in the same breath that I desired

To kiss you when where with hum.

Did this kiss change anything?

Did this time stuck in this limo between Eros and Philia do anything,

But increase my desire.

Do I care about you or do I obsess over the way you have awoken this hunger?

 

Do I want you?

Do I really want you?

I think I do?

I know I did before.

Back when you were unavailable

But You Are Always Unavailable

And I do not know if it is me or

You.

 

Are you here because you have found the things in me that make me care about you.

The things that made me want to take you in my hands

The place somewhere between horniness and love.

Where you want to spend an eternity looking at them and kissing them

And breathing their air.

 

Or am I nothing more than warmth to you?

A mild extension of this friendliness that is there because it is

But this is not a natural Progression.

This is not the comfortableness of friends who have lived their lives

In the presence of one another

This sis the lust of sex and the hope of love and the compassion of friendship.

 

I am stuck, I am unavailable.

Because I don’t know if I want to deepen this or give it up.
I want you, but I became unhappy.

 

Physically: I miss your touch, the sensation, the feeling, the action.

 

Logistically: I never seem to find time with you.

We are always working or sleeping, or you are always tired or

Far past reason that I can not bare that we are separated by your intoxication and my sobriety.

I steal kisses in between days and nights.

We are not passing in the night

We are in different ports sealing kisses in a bottle.

 

Socially: I can understand the secretness, The clandestine notion

of this. It is nobody’s business but ours.

But still it is not that I want to be yours

I don’t want you to possess me.

I wish for labels, I wish for titles

I wish for the security and knowledge and boundaries that is this thing

We call society and romance and relationships.

I Want To Know What This.

 

Emotionally:

I Want To Know If I Can Kiss You

All is wish is that you care for me

That you want me

Physical and Emotionally

Not always wondering that the reason why you touch these lips is because

of Desire or Loneliness.

I want you and what I want to know is that you want me.

 

Perhaps I love a dream

Perhaps I dote on a fantasy.

A Pygmalion phantasm.

Maybe I don’t love you

I just love this feeling, this hunger I desire.

Perhaps you are unavailable

Perhaps I am unavailable

Perhaps we are both unavailable.

Perhaps it doesn’t matter

My emotions shift like kaleidoscope.

One minute I am so happy in your sun.

The next I am lonely in your absence.

Or jealous in your uninterest.

Or content in out friendship

Or discontent in you lack of touch.

I want you and I don’t want you.

I desire your touch and feel shame at my carnality.

I smile as you mention me and frown as we find nothing to say

You make me so very happy and so very, very depressed.

I have wanted you for so long.

And I cannot tell if I should push on

Deepen this.

Is my fear and insecurity that makes this distance?

Is it your impatience that makes you look anew?

Or are you simple

Unavailable,

To Me?