momentum moving, grooving

I was spiritually and psychologically imbalanced when I came here. I needed to tell the story to better understand myself. I was a drunk and a meth addict. I was a natural rebel. Of course, it was all just self-medicating… and it felt good, don’t get it twisted…until it didn’t. I was totally covering up for my major depressive disorder. I was chain-smoking Chesterfields. Drinking Wild Turkey. Single. Beat down. Broken.  I’d lost the language to convey my thoughts. I was fatigued, bitter, and confused. I stopped laughing, crying. I had no emotions whatsoever. I was numb. Felt catatonic. I might as well have been dead. No plans, no goals. Just wanted to stay put, watch television, and sit in my EZ chair. I really leaned into my depression. It ruled me like a tyrant. I would sit at the computer, elbow on the desk, thumb in my mouth, just staring at an empty page. Friends would call and want to do something. I’d quickly think of an excuse. Or just say, ‘Don’t feel like it.’ ‘You never feel like it.’ ‘Welcome to my world.’ ‘Your world sucks!’ It did, but it was all I had. My solitariness felt like freedom. I never thought living without friends and family could be so peaceful. It was the only place I felt like myself. 

Reviews

[Philip Gaber]

Thanks, Michael. It's good to be back. I have a book coming out in May. I've been super busy preparing for it. You're right, depression. it's a real struggle, thanks for sharing. Look forward to reading yours and others work. Peace!

[Michael Sun Bear]

Hello, hello, hello Philip. I have TRULY missed your contributions here. Welcome back. I hope being a part of this community can be helpful to your emotional state. I suffer from major depression and anxiety, as well as carrying genes for addiction, a real struggle for me. Finding writerscafe, making friends here, finding an audience for my own writing, being inspired by others; all this is my safe harbor from the storms, holding experiences in word that I treasure. I do hope you will continue to write for us.