15%

I stifled myself in front of your eyes

 I pulled back so much so I can get your “Hi’s”

 Sitting in this corner and watching you all be you

 I would love to be the true me too

 But I have given my word, and I will only give 15%, as I sigh

 15% is not much in this whole big pie

Like a Vine that crawls and creeps on walls and in the dark

 I have found other places that I can light the inner spark

 So, I will give you what sensibilities will allow

 and when I need the darkness, I will go away just for now

Reviews

[Caradoc]

I can feel a deep sense of need coming from this piece. The narrator desires more than anything to be their genuine self with the one they speak to, but as the poem tells us, they had to constrain themselves and hide who they really are in order to get even a "hi" from the object of their attention. The tone is very melancholy as the narrator is forcing themselves to be less than themselves due to an unknowable promise. There is the barest hint of hope however in the last few lines, as there are other places the speaker can let themselves out the cage.

This poem, to me, speaks of societal pressures and the longing to belong. The phrase "I will give you what sensibilities will allow" tells me that society, or even just the social group, from which the narrator seeks admission and approval would not readily accept the as they are. Instead, only a twisted and filtered mask is displayed. And the soul suffers for it. Because even if there are times and places where one can be themselves, as long as those moments are few and fleeting, happiness cannot be maintained and the burden only increases. The self demands to be free.

I think you have done well in evoking such thoughts with this piece.

- Caradoc

[Buddhistboy73]

A sad, yet heartfelt poem about someone that feels unable to reveal their true self.....

This is a powerful write.....15% is not much huh.....
But these lines give hope:

I have found other places that I can light the inner spark
So, I will give you what sensibilities will allow
and when I need the darkness, I will go away just for now

Keep lighting up that inner spark my WC friend...:)

BB73

[Fia Naturie]

Thank you BB73 appreciate the comment;)

[A.H.]

this is a heartful write, pours down the inner self and comes about honestly of one's feelings. 15% that's a great way to put yourself before anything, everyone needs their space and place, you convey this strongly through this write. a relationship that has more of giving and taking all of you is quite hard to maintain, anything that's equal from both sides is what's needed, but sometimes it isn't. thanks for writing and sharing, Fia. Powerfully expressed!

[Fia Naturie]

Thank you for commenting on my post. xoxo

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

I loved this
I’m interested intrigued by it
It left me hanging to read more

[Fia Naturie]

Thank you, I appreciate you saying that.;))

[JayG]

Three points:

• Too often, you're forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme. But the rhyme is an accent, and the line needs to be so perfect, so far as supporting the thought, that the fact that it rhymes seems almost accidental.

• You're talking about things that have meaning for you because you have memories, context, and intent guiding your understanding. The reader? For them, someone unknown is talking to someone not introduced, about unspecified events.

But...your reader expects you to entertain them by making THEM feel and care. And when you say, "But I have given my word, and I will only give 15%," gave who your word? And in reference to what? And, 15% of what? You know. The unknown one being addressed may know. The one you wrote it for? They have no idea.

• There's a LOT to writing poetry and metrical poetry that's not obvious, but is necessary.

So...trot over to Amazon and read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. What he has to say about the flow of language is brilliant.

And for poetry in general, Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook is a gem of a book, and filled with little surprises.

[Fia Naturie]

Thank you for commenting. I may take a look at your suggested reading materials.
I have omitted stating the person to whom I gave my word to. Which in fact is a poetry art form.
Hemingway, Dickensen, Moore all used omission in their poetry.
I am far away from being them, but I like to dabble in other art forms.
As for me "trotting to Amazon". You do not know me. I never trot. I move with purpose and those who do know me, know I do not lie when I say this.

[Davidgeo]

When he says "trot over to..." I'm glad you gently acknowledge how this person is randomly talking down to people. Jay's a maga stan if that helps you understand why he talks down to certain people.

[JayG]

Sorry Fia, but the puppy-dog who just hijacked your thread has a thing. He can't write poetry all that well, and is jealous of me getting so many more comments on my posted work.

[Davidgeo]

It's better when you don't respond or reply or use copy and paste and ai to review.

[Davidgeo]

Tell us about your politics Jay. Tell us how we all should bow down to you.

[JayG]

See what I mean? He, obviously, has zero respect for you, and the other members here whose threads he invades to post his inspired missives of hate. But then, internet trolls are how they are, because in life, they're failures, and need the anonymity of the online connection. Kind of sad, really.

I do think it's funny, though, that I can make him foam at the mouth by just giving advice.

[Davidgeo]

You exist in a fantasy land. Talking about respect while your entire idiotic role playing persona is based around disrespecting people. smh. At least I'm honest with myself, you are totally lost in your fantasy. Completely disconnected from reality.