Sometimes

(T) I originally wrote about my suicide ideas, then about how else i felt, then about the reasons why, and it turned into this.

Sometimes I feel I'm alone
I remember all the friends I've had and lost
I remember how I was left in my time of need
I remember how my trust and loyalty was abused
I remember how I'm the only one who understands

Sometimes I feel it's my fault
I realise I screwed up every time
I realise I'm a b***h to everyone around me
I realise I'm lucky anyone's stuck by me
I realise everything that's happened is down to me

Sometimes I loathe myself
I see my wounds and feel disappointed
I see my reflection and feel ugly and unwanted
I see what I've done and feel like a failure
I see what's happened and feel useless

Sometimes I feel like dying
I imagine sliding the blade down my wrist
Watching the river flow out
Feeling the pain disappear
Feeling the relief surge through me
I imagine saying goodbye and jumping
Free-falling through the air
Leaving the world behind me
Leaving the pain and darkened cold
I imagine lying in the sun and slipping away
Surrounded by those I loved
As the chemicals swim through me
As my friends hold me closely
I imagine lying down and waiting
The great monster charging along the tracks
Silently ignoring the screams of danger
Silently awaiying my final fate

I used to be happy.