The Secret - Chapter One

   

 The Secret

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Chapter One

We used to live on a big farm in the country, and ,,, okay, it was a double-wide, but it was a BIG one, and we had a pretty big yard, a damn BIG yard, and nobody lived too close to us, so we had a lot of privacy. One night, about thirty years ago, I had just taken the trash out to the big dumpster down by the barn, okay, curb, and I was moseying around in the woods behind us, when something flew by my head real fast, BZZZZZZZZZROUUUM!

Damn ... er, darn! (kids might read this). “What the furry hell was that?” I said.! I looked around, but saw nothing. BUZZZZZMMMM! It whizzed by again -- then I saw it, softly landing under the big oak tree down by the stable! I tiptoed over as silently as I could, not too close! Then I got on my hands and knees, creeping quietly. I was simply curious. Something was crawling slowly in our very expensive Bermuda grass, the acre I had imported all the way from, uh, Bermuda, of course. Yes, something was there … NO! There were two of them!  They  crawled slowly forward, then spread their tiny, frail-looking wings and flapped them at each other. But as I watched, my eyes grew wide as dinner plates. “Son of a bi... gonia! I had studied uh, semi-four when I was in the Navy, yeah, and THAT looked like they were trading signals! Yes! That was a pattern ...YES! It was definitely a pattern of some kind and I thought, Daa...naarn, that looks like they’re kinda talking to each other! I almost laughed but stifled it with a quick hand over my mouth. “Shhh, I don’t want you to hear me!” I whispered in my head. Suddenly, they shook their antennae at each other, bowed, and started to fly away  --  but as they did, one of them saw me, lurched to the left, and ran smack dang into the oak, WHAM! And fell to the ground!

“Oh, no!” I cried. I crawled over to the poor critter and picked it up gently. The other one buzzed madly around my hand and I could hear it chirping, bug like, and I worried for a moment if it was going to sting me or fly into my eye! I looked at it, concerned, and in a soft voice said to it, "Don’t worry, little fellow  --  or lady  --  I only want to help, I won’t hurt him  --  or her." I ran at a trot back to the house, opened the door and went inside -- and the other one stayed right with me, buzzing in circles around my head. Lo … Lor...py heard me charge in and did the same from the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about. We nearly collided in the breakfast nook.

“What the fff...rench is going on? What ar...eeek! There’s a huge bug of some kind trying to sting you!” and she swiped at it with her broom! She really hated bugs, and she almost always carried a broom. It seemed very natural.

“No!” I cried. “Stop! It’s a friend!” I yelled. I didn’t know that, but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time  because my wife stopped in her tracks, her mouth agape, and was unable to reply. Her face hole just opened and closed soundlessly several times like a trapdoor spider's hatch stuck on constant repeat when only a breeze is there.

I raced up the stairs to the swell swanky suite where my workshop waited, not even stopping to admire my impressive alliteration. Lor...ka was right behind, clutching her pearls in one claw, the omnipresent broom in the other. I entered the workshop and placed the poor little injured whatsit on the ornate wooden top, carved for me by a native Kenyan King and...and ..well, I laid the thing down gently while its companion buzzed around it, then landed next to the thing and gently caressed the injured one’s head with a long antenna. I could hear it whispering in a soft voice that was clearly music! I swear I heard it say, “There, there. There there, sweet baby.”

Lo ...Lor...inza peeked in. “What is it, Tex?” she whispered. “Does it bite?” She wrung her hands, concerned.

“I don’t think so.” I replied. “Hand me my big magnifying glass will you? It’s just there, hanging on a peg next to my imported Russian ruler.” She lugged it over. Her brow was furrowed with concern.

“You be careful honey. Don’t let it bite you! or, or sting you!” The whatchamacallit turned it’s tiny head toward her and made a sound like a raspberry.

I cocked one eyebrow toward wifey and said, “I think it’s going to be alright.” The other thingamabob started singing again, softly. I clearly heard it sing the first verse to “Maybe, I’m Amazed.” A good song for something with "Wings," huh? Huh? haha! Oh, never mind!

I turned on the bank of lights over my workbench and slowly lowered my magnifying glass over the tiny creature. It focused clearly and I gasped.

“What’s wrong?” Squealed Lorrrrrrena.” Her hands flew to her face. She had failed to release her broom and it smacked her in the head. Neither were damaged, but the broom was now forever crooked.

“Oh, wow,” I whispered. “It looks like a, a June Bug!” And the uninjured one turned to me and nodded. “I’ll be damned. I think it understood me!” And I heard it in a tiny voice, buzz, “yeeess.”

I jumped at that and said a bad word I don’t want to repeat here in case some child reads this or someone who just hates the word, “s**t.” *

Then I raised my glass again and looked a little closer. “Hmmmmm,” I said.

“You speak my language?" Said the uninjured creature.

I jumped again, this time a good bit higher. "Uh, no, no. That’s just a, uh, a sound we make sometimes when we are confused or …uh, ...... it’s just a sound we make sometimes, uh ..." 

"I seeee. You may call me "Blae-Lok"

"And You may call me R ..er, 'Tex!' Say, Isn't 'Blae-Lok' the name of some famous doctor?

“Some thing like that. So,” and he waved a hand or foot or whatever at the other June Bug, “how is wife?”

“You’re married?” I said in surprise. “Really?”

“Aren’t you?” He had me there.

“Uh, yeah.”

Then my wife butted in. “Are you really talking to that thing, Tex? All I can hear is a bunch of buzzing.and clicks."

“I must ‘tune’ my voice ”it said slowly, “to the hearing mecha, no, mem brain of each thing to... which -- I wish to speak.” Blae-Lok said. I was impressed; it's language skills were as good as mine! “It is... a chore I do not like.” He wasn't telling the complete truth, but I would learn more about that later. He glanced at Lor...illa. “Some things do not know how to listen. But -- my wife, please. How is she?”

“Oh, sorry, “ I said. I raised the glass again and peered for several long seconds at the injured Bug. They seemed to deserve capitalization by now. “I think I can see it, er, her breathing. Her chest is moving up and down a little.”

“That just means she is urinating on your table,” Blae-Lok said.

I started, quite naturally, I think. “Oh! Well, she’s so small, I don’t think it will hurt anything,” I smiled.

“It will burn a hole in your table. Maybe in your floor, too. It depends on how much fooch she has had. If she has drunk much the hole could eat this entire table.” He seemed to giggle a little, but it could have been indigestion for all I know.

“What’s ‘fooch?’” I said.

“You don’t want to know.

“Oh. Okay.”

Then my wife butted in again. “Tex, what the hell is going on? You’re NOT talking to that damned ugly bug! ARE you? That’s just crazy!” she screeched.

Blae-Lok suddenly rose up and took a position right between my wife’s beautifully bloodshot eyes. “Listen, lady,” shut up or I’ll squirt you right in the eye! And you won’t like it!” It was much louder than I would have expected. To Lor...alee, it must have sounded like a jet screaming over the house.

Lor...ki screamed, turned, and ran from the room; her bare feet thundered down the stairs like a machine gun turned up to maximum deadly.

I guffawed as quietly as one can possible guffaw. “Wow.” I grinned and raised my eyebrows. “Can you teach me how to do that?”

“Sorry, it’s a bug thing.”

I noticed that "Blae-Lok" was speaking much better now, better than before, and I thought, "I wonder if ..." Just then, Blae-Lok’s “wife” stirred, shook her head and glanced up at me. She started buzzing loudly while backing away toward the window that looked out over our private lake. I had left it open a small crack to get some fresh air and there was a small tear in the screen from a bird that had chased something into it and missed some weeks ago. Blae-Lok, still hanging in the air, saw where she was heading and shouted to me, “Quickly, shut the widow! I don’t think she can fly yet, and if she gets out, she could fall into that kiddie pool below and drown!”

I did as he asked and he flew to his wife’s side. He spoke quietly, reassuringly to her in some foreign, June Bug tongue. Her eyes, though I could not see them -- they’re very very tiny -- darted between Blae-Lok and me, or her head did. Slowly, she began to relax. Her wings, which had shot out at right angles, dropped close to her sides. At last she rolled over and got to her feet. I noticed then that there was a hole, smoking slightly, about the size of a quarter where she had lain! "Wow, I thought, and noticed it was slowly expanding. Then the female buzzed something to Blae-Lok I could not understand; it was a very female buzz. Blae-Lok nodded at her and turned to me.

“Sir,” he said, Por-Ke thanks you deeply for saving her life. She cannot speak to others. Only the males of our species can do that. Wives can speak only to their mates and their offspring, until they mature."

“No problem, I … wait. Your wife's name is ‘Porky?’” I asked. My head filled with images of pantless pigs. I shook it fiercely. "Re..repida..really?" I said with a stammer that stammered with no help from sanity. Am I really hearing this? I wondered.

“What’s wrong with That?” he bristled.

“Oh, nothing. It’s ... very beautiful.” I managed not to smirk, and bowed to her instead. “It was nothing, Mrs. Porky. I am honored.”

“We do not use terms like ‘Mrs’ “ said Blae-Lok. She is ‘Wife, 2nd of 13.’ I am blessed.”

“That's one word for it," I said quietly. I crossed my arms. “Sooo, what do we do now?” Porky was on her feet and seemed nervous, anxious to leave. I didn’t blame her. She kept glancing at the hole she had made, now the size of a half dollar and still growing.

“We must go. There is a meeting of our tribe and we are tasked with providing refreshments.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Oh? Anything I can help with?” Then perking up I added, “We have some very good honey in the cupboard!”

Blae-Lok grimaced. “Please, Tex. We are not bees. We are the MIGHTY PHYLOPHAGA POTENTIATOR, TEXAS TRIBE! SECOND TO NO OTHER INSECT IN THE WORLD!” I thought I saw his chest puff out, if he had one. But I did see his wings vibrate impressively. Porky looked anxious to leave, too.

And so I escorted them back to the old oak and bade them safe trip. I watched as they flew off to the west to attend their important meeting. Now what could June Bugs possibly meet about? I mused.

It would not be long before I found out. But  as I turned to trot back to the house -- and survey the gigantic hole in my imported plywo, er, mahogany table, I did not see their stealthy return to my oak.

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June was halfway gone and I had not forgotten my tiny new friends, but I had other things on my mind now. This summer was proving to be brutal. It was already so hot the sidewalks were beginning to blister. A bit hotter than a usual summer, but not unknown nor unexpected. We had been warned, after all, by the people who should know which way the heat was going to blow. It was the politicians who had disputed their warnings and tsk tsked them all the way to the voting booth. The people, of course, had little patience with those who gave them bad news. It is much more pleasant to agree with someone who says you are beautiful than with someone who tells you your ears are too big, even when you constantly trip over your lobes.

Of course, the heat wave had disappeared now and coolness enveloped my ranch; I was moseying through the pasture of my golf course in the back forty -- no, eighty acres --  where the cows were busy trimming the fairway before the photographers were scheduled to arrive for the unveiling of my statue, carved by the President himself with his toenails, when the ground began to shake violently  …

“Tex! Tex!” my wife screamed as she shook me awake, “Get up, get up! Someone is in the house!”

“Oh, it must be the President,” I mumbled, “to do a little touch-up on my ears.”

Lor...gosa stopped for a moment, then pounded on my back as I tried to roll away. “Get up get up get up, you lazy XXXXX!” she screamed, “SOMEBODY’S IN THE HOUSE!”

“ W...wha…?” I mumbled. My eyes tried to open but the cows were standing on them.

“Damn it, RRRR,,,alphagon! Get the hell up or I’m going to stuff garbanzo beans up your nose again!”

"I’m up!" She had done that once before when I had stumbled home, er, come home dru, er, ‘tipsy’ one night and threw, uhh, SPILLED my … oatmeal on her FACE, hahahaha! I was suddenly wide awake. Garbanzo beans? One of them had gotten so far up there the paramedics had to use extra-long tweezers to get it out.

”I’m up I’m up I’m up!” I sounded a little nasally because I had both hands clamped firmly over my nose. “What’s going on? Did you say someone was in the house?”

“Yes!” she wailed in a strange whisper. Or whispered in a strange wail? Boy, writing is hard! “ Yes, someone is in here! I just …” And a light came on down the hall in the mudroom.

“Somebody’s in my office!” I whispered, still groggy from all the piña colada’s I had consumed while partying with Marilyn Monroe ...

“I told you!” Lor...custs’ claws were digging into the flesh of my shoulders. “Do something, you useless piece of XXXXXX!! I'm going to XXXXX your XXXXX and XXXXX your XXXXX!!” No children should read that! No sentient beings should read that!

I was shaking from the, uh, chill that swept through me. Perhaps a cold front had blown through unexpectedly, and stalled in the mud...dy, muddy office from all those cows … who turned on the light? I shook my head. Still some cobwebs in there.

Then that light blazed down the hall and back again! Then down the hall, then back -- “What the hell?” I muttered. I reluctantly slid from the bed, slipped on my, well, slippers, and as quietly as possible, shuffled down the hall. I grabbed the broken pool cue that lived behind the bedroom door for emergencies such as this, reached the mu …, okay, mudroom! It was the damn mudroom, all right? Geeze, can’t a thing be two things?

The light in there was moving again! I made it to the door and peeked in. The bare ceiling light bulb that swung toward me on a thin, worn cord stopped and waited for me to make the next move! I rubbed my tired eyes and stuck my head just enough through the open doorway to see who was inside -- and OH MY GOD! It was empty.

I cautiously stepped into that emptiness -- not saying I was scared, but the hair on the back of my neck had risen and danced the boogaloo down my spine, all the way through my uh, special underwear. I glanced around, my broken pool cue held high.

“Please put down the stick.” The voice was soft, but I recognized it.

I straightened and released a massive sigh. An animated character which I will not name peeked out of my butt crack and I tiptoed to my rickety table -- um, my workbench. The one with a new sh, uh, pl, uh, uh -- okay, sheet of plywood for a top! 

“Blae-Lok?” I whispered. “”Is that you? Where are you?” I looked under the bench and thought for a moment that I saw him, but it was only a small scorch mark on the linoleum floor. I turned toward the entry, and from the corner of my eye, caught movement higher up, near the bare bulb. Blae-Lok peered back warily; his fluttering wings kept him in place, a wonderful, tiny, living helicopter! I quickly lowered my “stick” and leaned it against the doorjamb. “What are you doing here? You scared the bejesus out of Lorrrrr...cus.”

“I have news.” said Blae-Lok as he fluttered down to the bench.

“Xxxxxxxxx!” came from my bedroom. And yes, that’s my real name and that’s why it’s crossed out. I’m not stupid, just paranoid.

“Everything’s okay, sweetie puss!” I yelled down the hall. “Some kind of critter found it’s way in and made a little mess but I cleaned it all up , so all is well and nobody else is here, and I’ll check all the doors and windows in a bit just to be safe so don’t worry everything is fiiiine!” Wow! I was completely out of breath and sucked in sweet air harder than an orca who had overslept on the bottom of the Mariana Trench then burst through the final foot of ocean above with a mighty “UNNNNHGGICK”. I shook my head and sat upon my lavishly upholstered uh, ... stool. I was admiring my oceanic metaphor when Blae-Lok interrupted.

“You lied to her.” said Blae-Lok. “Why did you do that? How did you do that?" He jumped up on my right hand, which rested on the bench, then crawled up my index finger.

“Wh … uh, how? Well, I just opened up my mouth and said something untrue. Don’t you ever do that?” I pointed my finger skyward and Blae-Lok scaled it to the tip and sat.

“No” said my quizzical bug, “We can’t do that.” He thought for a moment. "At least, I’ve never tried. It never occurred to me. But why did you do it?” He crept down my finger to the back of my hand, then turned swiftly with a buzzing sound, and fluttered his wings madly. “Never mind all that! We don’t have time for that! I have to brief you then get back to my tribe and my wife and our twelve children!”

“Twelve children?” I said surprised. I thought of Groucho Marx. “Wow, I nev...”

“THAT DOESN’T MATTER!” he buzzed loudly. I was afraid that Lor...ganza had heard it and would come rushing back down the hall to see whatever was going on that she was not made a part of (she hates being left out). I leaned back enough to see down the hall and gave it a quick glance.

“All quiet on the Lor...damighty front.” And suddenly, I was very tired. Surely it must be about 4 AM by now. I yawned hugely, then looked down at my tiny guest.

“Can’t this at least wait ‘til I’ve had my morning coffee?” I said half of that through another mighty yawn. “I was having a wonderful dream where…”

“NO!” Shouted Blae-Lok, and it really was much louder this time. I tried a fake sneeze to cover it just in case Lor...lantita was still awake. “This cannot wait, human!” I was a little startled that he addressed me so. He had always called me “Tex,” and had never been short with me.

“Uh, O … okay.” I stumbled and moved my stool even closer to the small table. “What’s uh, what’s going on, Blae-Lok?” I whispered. I was incredibly nervous. I absently picked up a pencil and twiddled it.

Blae-Lok narrow-eyed my pencil. “Please put down the stick.”

I glanced at my hand in surprise. “That? That’s just my pencil. I write with it.”

Blae-Lok cocked his carapace* and said quietly, “A thing can be more than one thing. A thing can do more than one thing.”

I took the pencil, an end in each hand, and held it up for him to see. Then I broke it. “And now,” I said, “this thing is good for no thing,”

Blae-Lok sighed sardonically. “Oh, joy,” he said. “A pun. How cleaver of you.”

“Hey! I’m not cleaver! I’ve never been cleaver!”

Blae-Lok sighed again, jumped atop my hands and squatted there, ready, it seemed, for a long talk.

And talk he did. I learned much about the past -- and what would be the future, if we were not very careful. And that started with the now.

“Remember that big oak tree where you first found me?” said Blae-Lok.

“Of course,” I said. “The most beautiful tree on my la, uh … my lot, I sighed. No use pretending with him. He knew better and would have no patience with my fantasies. 

“Of course I remember. What about it?”

“Please take care of it; it could be in danger,” my bug friend said with what must be truth. After all, didn’t Blae-Lok say he couldn’t lie? Then a thought hit me. No, he didn’t say that. He said he didn’t know how to lie. A sudden chill ran up my spine and I squirmed a little on my stool, then jumped up and knocked it backwards; it fell to the floor with a big, clattering sound that drew Lor...delphia down the hall to us. She peeked in, clutching her nightgown close.

“What’s going on in here?” she shouted. “What happened? Are you okay?” Her eyes darted around the room, but she failed to see Blae-Lok, who had a death grip on the back of my right hand.

“I’m fine, nothing’s wrong. I just got tangled in my stool for a moment.” She looked at the supposedly offending object, panned around the room and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

“Okaaay," she said slowly. Then she bristled suddenly and her nose was a gnat's butt from mine, her eyes were darts, and her hands were on her hips. “What the hell are you doing in here?” she demanded. “What was that sound we heard earlier? And how did the light in here come on if nobody was here?” She shouted . She had suddenly become “Lorzilla,” a name I used sometimes when we were alone, just not together, yet I always said it quietly.

“Uhhhh, I was just sitting here, Sweetie Knees, listening for any noises that might be … noisy. You know, to make sure there was nobody here that shouldn’t be … here. And the light? Uh, a ...short!, yes, just a short, I think, you know? I'll fix it in the morning.”

She squinted her hazel eyes at me. Her eye brows were large, furry brown caterpillars, and the left one had this wild grey hair with a life of its own. If we had been any closer, I’m sure it would have poked me in the eye. I leaned backwards just in case, turned, and placed my left hand lightly over the right one where Blae-Lok rested. I felt him flatten out. Lor...dy looked down at them. “What do you have there?” she demanded.

“Oh, nothing, just a little itch.” I felt Bla-Lok turn over and grab the palm of my left hand. I understood his ruse immediately and raised both hands, the fingers spread, the backs turned toward my nosey wife. I smiled. “See?” Then I turned my hands so she could see the palms and waggled my fingers. “Nothing there, either.” Blae-Lok had quickly scuttled up my arm and under the sleave of my Rick and Morty pajamas.

Lorzilla harrumphed, turned on her heel and marched back to the bedroom. I laughed -- very quietly -- and looked down my sleeve, smiling. “All clear, she’s gone,” I said softly.’ Blae-Lok buzzed, flew out, and landed on the table. I sat on my stool once more and gave him my right hand; he resumed his fleshy perch again and said, “Good. I don’t think she’s ready for this.”

‘No. She’d squash you for sure, first chance she got.”

“I would not like that.”

“No, I wouldn’t think so. I’ll do my best to keep you safe, but you should be on your guard. She can be vicious when she wants to. I once saw her scare the hair right off a Rottweiler. Baaad News.”

“I would have liked to see that. A Rottweiler ate my first brother.”

“Eeew! That’s terrible.”

“My fourth brother flew into the Rottweiler’s ear, dug in and buzzed him crazy. It wasn’t very pretty. He finally flew back out and the dog ran in circles barking like mad. Some people with big nets came and took him away. They never brought him back.” I couldn’t see Blae-Lok’s mouth, but I was sure he was smiling. Then he sat up on his rear legs and sighed. “We really need to finish our conversation.”

“Why don’t we go out to the oak tree. I think you would be more comfortable there  -- and safer.” I glanced toward the bedroom. “And so would I. Just let me make sure my wife is back in bed.”

“I’ll see you there,” said my buggy friend, and he zipped to the hole in the window screen and was gone.

I hurried to meet him.

END CHAPTER ONE

 

Author's Note

Please do not reveal anything herein that might reveal things best left for the reader to find. That's part of the fun!

Reviews

[DIVYA]

Blae-Lok...He's a great bug...can talk, boss over Tex and switch lights on and off. My take? I think he's been sent to save Tex from Lorzilla! At this point, I'm more taken up by how he survives calling her "sweetie puss" than a thinking, talking, singing bug. So, it'd be nice if Blae-Lok could whisk him away some place safer, perhaps a bug world of some sorts. Maybe Tex could stop lying and turn into a bug and acquire 12 wives too? There's a truly happy ending!
Loved how you created the bug world, its rules and ways and lively fun throughout the chapter. Your humour is on point and tummy splitting.
What was that --"animated character which I will not name peeked out of my butt crack and I tiptoed to my rickety table?" - Garbanzo beans maybe? Dont know why I made that connection. I'm laughing so much.

[FlatDaddy]

Oh, thank you so much for this wonderful review! You are seeing things I never intended, but that's okay! I am so happy you like it and hope you will continue on. I promise there are many surprises and more laughter ahead. And bring all your friends!

Thank you, Divya!

[DIVYA]

I certainly will. It was such fun! And you're welcome. :)

[FlatDaddy]

BTW, the "animated character"? Remember Tex wa wearing Rick and Morty pajamas? Not sure if you are familiar with them, but it's a very famous American adult-oriented cartoon, my fave. So it's Rick who is "peeking out" -- just an uncomfortable bit of intrusive cloth.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

There is some very crafty humor in this. Lots of plays on plays on words.
Good family entertainment...and quite different.
j.

[FlatDaddy]

Oh, thank you so much, J. That means a lot to me. I do hope you can take it all the way; it is more complex than you would think,