Ode to Blue Haired Ladies

Ever wonder why those blue haired ladies driving monstrous cars down the highway never seem to collide with anyone? Here's the answer.

  

They drive battleships down Mopac

at eighty miles per hour,

Peeping through the window of the wheel,

Hands at ten and two above their heads.

 

Next to them,

I see blue birds' nests and noses,

spectacles perched atop their beatific smiles,

gnarled knuckles absently in place.

 

I wonder what the blue-haired ladies think,

perched on pillows

inside two-ton metal missles

hurtlling down macadam and concrete.

 

I've never seen a single one

look to the side, the rear,

or ever use a mirror except to plant some

artificial roses in her cheeks.

 

They must drive divinely guided --

For I know they don't see me;

They don't see anyone,

They don't see traffic lights

or stop signs, dogs or joggers.

They see Jesus' face I think,

and he leads them safely home

and to the store for kitty litter.

 

I see them humming

in their tinted, cool coccoons;

"The Old Rugged Cross"

comes in telepathic transit through my window,

powered by the fervor of habitual belief.

 

The blue-haired ladies fill the roads,

a great and growing flock

of souls on cruise control --

holy rollers driven by their Lord,

their Ford, their Pontifiac,

their First Church of Buick,

comfy in their leather pews;

candles burn upon the dash next to plastic

virgins grinding to the bumps.

 

I think the blue hair must really be

secret, complex antennae

that link little old ladies directly to God.

Otherwise, all the roads and highways

would be littered with their corpses.

 

I smile at that -- and I relax,

safe in my knowledge that the car ahead,

powered by a blue-haired Oldsmobile apostle,

is surely, truly

blessed.

Reviews

[bookworm]

This really stands out Fd...so many great lines...I honestly had no idea what to expect from the title...I thought "what could one possibly have to say about that topic, really?" But, I am admittedly floored, and pleasantly so, I might add. This is incredibly creative, brilliantly worded, flawless flow and your last stanza brings her home...

You continue to surprise me...

[FlatDaddy]

I've been away a long time, but now am back and have posted some pieces folks here have not seen. I hope you will forgive me for not replying sooner. I know I have neglected all of you, but will try to make up for it. I owe mea culpas to so many that I must first address all via a sad form letter of sorts. I will try to do better, and I truly thank for your kind words.

[FlatDaddy]

girl, whereveer you are, I pray you are happy and well. But not hearing from you for so many years, I fear the worst. Please be safe.

[Michael Sun Bear]

I absolutely loved this, so glad you suggested it. I saw from your profile you live somewhere in Texas. When my wife’s mother died, her father sold their house, gave away all the furnishings and clothing and moved in with his older sister in Llano, which I believe would be considered Hill Country. We went to visit, quite an experience. She considered herself an accomplished cook but ruined anything she attempted, it was like a Hollywood comedy, the food was so ghastly we could barely get it down. The furniture felt really sticky and I knew why when a spider got on a chair and she hosed it down for about 20 seconds worth of Raid. One morning I arose early, flipped on the kitchen light to see roaches all over the counters. Llano had a new little coffee house, a retired couple had bought a brand new espresso machine with minimal instruction. I seemed to be their only customer. A Seattleite, I love my coffee. I had to explain to them how to make an Americano as they had never heard the term. And that’s starting simple. I hope they eventually developed both knowledge and customers. We of course had to visit all her kids, grandkids and assorted other relatives. I don’t wish to risk offending a fellow Texan, but boy what an experience!

I am finally getting to my point. Marianne’s aunt, who I believe was 92 years old, still drove a big old convertible which hadn’t seen maintenance in many a year. She proudly drove us all around those two lane roads, using either lane indiscriminately, fully on one side or the other, sometimes just straddling the center line, seemingly unaware traffic flowed in two directions, not just her direction. Scared the hell out of me. All the time she carried on news of her latest women’s club meeting, recited local history pointing every which way, mixed with complaints about n*****s beginning to infiltrate the area. I was there a week. There was nothing to do there but eat barbecue, but seven days left a big impression.

[FlatDaddy]

I had to read this aloud so my wife could hear, too. We both guffawed and chortled all the way through. You need to write this story for all to read, Michael. It's, in what we call in Texas, a "hoot." Thanks for the fun reply.

[Michael Sun Bear]

Glad you enjoyed my memories.

[Chris Shaw]

I so enjoyed this poem FD. Only today I was thinking, how many more years will I be able to drive for lol.(not quite blue haired yet though ). Some great lines, fab imagery and humour too. You certainly know how to put a poem together. Sending you all good wishes for a very happy and healthy new year.

Chris

[FlatDaddy]

Thank you so much, Chris. This means a lot coming from you.

[ETERNITY]

Hi FlatDaddy, Wow! I have to agree with every word! My Grandmother had a terrible crash but it was the other guys fault...He ran smack into her as she traveled the wrong way on a one way lane. She was tiny.
Thanks for bringing this to us. Awesome!

[FlatDaddy]

Thank you, Eternity. I hope your grandma made it through okay. Thanks for th3 kind words.

[ETERNITY]

FlatDaddy, Actually she did make it but died of a brain aneurysm in a couple of years. Those dang old folks! They just can't get it right! Thanks FD ;)

[FlatDaddy]

Don't say bad things about old folks, girl. I'm 78.

[ETERNITY]

FlatDaddy, I was being sarcastic, Sorry. 178 is old. Not you.

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

I really really love this and plan (mental blue note ) to read more of your interesting stuff here if time permits. no I don’t have a blue rinse just natural grey I stopped dying hair last year of lockdowns in australia not cos I couldn’t go out and hair dye was non essential but cos after the poison jabs didn’t want another millilitre of crap 💩 in my system

Loved your write ! Really I did I’ll be back

[FlatDaddy]

Thank you so much, Julie. It's nice to have a fan, but I hope I'm not too diverse for your taste, or crude, or weird, or -- nah, I do stray wide of field, I admit, but I have certain passions, and only a passing knowledge of proper literary structure. I tend to go my own way, not out of arrogance but a lack of much formal education and a deep and enduring acquaintance with poverty.

[FlatDaddy]

If it should interest you, I also have audio versions of some of my work, dating from my former life as an actor and entertainer. They are available on another site.

Aw, I bet you thought I was going to try to sell you something! No, there are just some things I can't do here than are welcome elsewhere.

[Emunah June.]

"They see Jesus' face I think,
and he leads them safely home
and to the store for kitty litter."

So I have no idea why, but this stanza actually made me chuckle out loud. I could just imagine the picture of Jesus swinging from the rearview mirror as they go over bumps in the road -- safe, but chaotic in their own right. Its silly without being disrespectful, and makes a topic like this sweet without being too much.

You know, come to think of it, I think I've seen this myself a fair few times! Its lighthearted, but also, oddly honest? Either way, a smooth, respectful, fun read.

[FlatDaddy]

Thank you so much, Em. I thought you would like it. It's one of my favorites (and my wife's, too). It always got respectful applause and comments, as well as laughs whenever I performed it at readings.

[Samuel Dickens]

It's been said that God protects fools and old men, so I guess old, blue-haired women must be included. On one occasion, I think I might have had a bit of help, too, as I rode my motorcycle down I-40 and met a blue-hair going the wrong way in her First Church of Buick. "Pontifiac"--I like that. A good one, FlatDaddy.

[FlatDaddy]

Finally getting around to thanking you for this review, Sam. Glad you like it. It always was well received when I read it at readings and slams, even though this one wasn't a good candidate for slams. But when you're the host, too, you get a little extra clap.
Well, now, that didn't come out right, did it?

[Incendiary Grievances]

The last stanza made me smile :) This is just wonderful--to take something like elderly women with blue hair and make it humorous but also ethereal to a certain extent is incredibly unique.

Your imagery is simply fantastic: "artificial roses in her cheeks" is a stroke of a brilliance.

[FlatDaddy]

I've been away a long time, but now am back and have posted some pieces folks here have not seen. I hope you will forgive me for not replying sooner. I know I have neglected all of you, but will try to make up for it. I owe mea culpas to so many that I must first address all via a sad form letter of sorts. I will try to do better, and I truly thank for your kind words.

[FlatDaddy]

Well, I'm just a tad late on thanking you for this great review. I disappeared for 12+ years and when I got back I found I had left a lot of people in the lurch. I'm trying to get around to those I owe thanks and you are certainly one of them. I hope you will forgive me -- and maybe even read other pieces of mine. And if you have any particular piece of yours you would like me to take a look at, please tell me. I'll at least be honest in what I say.

(and "artificial roses in her cheeks" is my favorite line in this piece)