Disorder

This is about handling your diagnosis, as well as living in the black and white world of bpd. Please leave feedback and feel free to throw in some constructive criticism!

My life was so disordered that they gave me a diagnosis,
I now have a disorder.
This disorder causes so much disorder in my head and my heart, I've become disorderly.
I bring disorder into the life's around me,
please understand I never meant to become this disorder.
I hate that I'm a storm,
yet it seems like you think I want to be.
I don't want to be loud and intense like a storm.
I want to be quiet and invisible.
I want to shrink into myself and disappear but you ask me not to.
You don't want storms,
you don't want invisible.
But those are the only two things I know how to be.
I only know too much or too little, I wish it I wasn't this way.
I promise I have spent more time trying to not be this way then I have spent trying to be a human.
This is the point where I shutdown.
I can't be anything but disorderly right now.
I don't know how to do anything else right now.
I never want my disorder to cause you disorder,

but I tend to absorb everyone I meet.

Author's Note

Please give feedback, let me know how this poem makes you feel, what I could have done better, anything:)