Barbaric or Effective?

An essay piece questioning parenting tactics over the years

Growing up in the Midwest all my life, it is not unusual to go to school or be spending time with friends and hear the stories of discipline my peers have endured. This generation, primarily born between the years of 1990 and 1992, share stories of physical reprimanding as forms of discipline. Spanking, cracks across the mouth, backhanding, and lectures so loud the whole neighborhood could hear are commonplace tales amongst my peers. I always attributed this, in moderation of course, to good, firm parenting practices. Words are words, and can be ignored. Actions are what speak and are remembered most by little Johnny Smith when he won't stop mouthing off to Mother. While firm discipline should not be the first course of action to take, there are times when words and time-outs simply become obsolete.

Being raised in a region where most kids seemed to have met with these fates, it seemed like an acceptable everyday method. If counting to three is not working, a good whack on the behind will certainly be enough to remind a child that disobeying mom and dad is not something they should make a habit of. When the tender act does not work, time to be a little macho, I always say, as a rebuttal to my mother's newfound beliefs which I'll cover in a moment. Apparently, all my preconceptions of good parenting seem to have been lost in the shuffle of a growing nation where even spanking is becoming illegal in some states. Was I just the victim of the "barbaric" methods of 1950's American parenting, or was I the victim of good parenting? Lately, I've had to wonder.

When I began dating my girlfriend, born 1989, raised in southern Maine all her life, I could not believe it when she said she never received physical punishment from her parents as a child. It certainly shows as well. Some of the things I have heard her say to her parents would have been met with a sharp smack on the mouth had they ever left my lips. I cannot begin to fathom the way she, and even some of the modern age generation, speak to their parents. Yet I was told that the methods implemented by my grandmother and mother were abusive. I am now a mature young adult, honor student and while I have my moments as every child does, I have never once gotten in trouble with the law, snuck out, or abused drugs or illegal substances. Yet I look at the generation now that is doing all of these things and at progressively younger ages in an era that is preaching 'non-violent' methods of parenting. Are my parents methods abusive? Or effective?

While this is purely all conjecture, I venture to put out some personal data I have collected through observation of my little sister as she has grown up. Unlike me, she is a very gentle individual but the 11-year old Irish-Italian is not without her mouthy remarks or blatant disregard for homework. My mother, the very same who gave me a few good whacks over the years, seems to has softened along with the rest of the nation. Born 1973, she was not without her encounters with the same firm discipline I speak of and, when I was growing up, she was one of those who believed a good spanking goes a long way. Yet now, whenever I implement a loud voice to get my sister to do something after five times of being 'gentle' in tone did not work, she looks at me with a vicious glare, coddling the crying youth and says "when the macho bit don't work, try a little tenderness." Is this the same woman who raised me?

I have noticed that the more gentle with my sister I am, the less she pays attention to me. She will talk over me, blatantly ignore me, or cop an attitude. If I start getting louder, or grab her arm to get her attention she finally has the decency to look at me and listen. Even if I have to prey on irritation to get her to do something so simple as to go clean up after herself or do her homework, I'll do what I must. Yet then she runs to my mother and complains that I was 'being rough' and 'screaming at her' so then I get the same spiel I have hard ten million times over about how I'm a brute and I need to go gentle on her. I am terribly sorry, but is that not the way you raised me? Take a good look at how much more trouble you have with that child than I do.

My grandmother and I both pull our hair out to think of how painfully lenient these parents are on their kids anymore. When a child is coddled and babied, it learns nothing. When a child is given everything and expected to get none of it themselves, they learn no independence, no self-reliance. When a child proceeds to pout and whine and cry and they are babied, they learn that behavior gets them what they want. And when there is no such thing as punishment, the child begins to learn they can walk all over the parent and will never have to suffer the consequences for it. An alarming trend that I see happening throughout all of the generations born below me.

By modern standards, the methods of discipline I and my peers have received in our lives have been deemed barbaric and violent. Yet, how is it that we are the ones staying out of trouble, when violence is supposed to not be the answer? The children that are punished only by words learn to tune those voices out, like a husband tunes out his nagging wife. It's when the wife steps in the way of the television that the husband now has to pay attention. A physical, moving action gets attention. So the same concept should stand to discipling a child. A good swift spanking will make a lesson or spiel stand much longer than 'oh no, you were bad. Go sit in time out for a minute.' After that minute, the child is free to do whatever they please, knowing that the only punishment that will follow is a little tap on the wrist and another boring minute in a corner. Now how is that teaching children anything? After all, actions speak louder than words.

Author's Note

Thoughtful responses only, please

Reviews

[D1218]

Hm well personally I think that the punishment should fit the child. I have a problem with spanking, but only when it's unnecessary. There's no need to pop the child on the mouth, if you know that telling them to 'hush' or giving them the look works just as well. There's no need to get out the belt, when you know a child will listen. Spanking isn't always teaching them the difference between good and bad because often it encourages violence and it scars.
Also, you shouldn't base your opinions just off of your peers. This generation (my generation, even) doesn't get into more trouble because we aren't disciplined correctly. We get into more trouble because it's easier to get into in these times. This generation's parenting has changed because research shows that the old ways weren't always the best and often were very harmful.
In the end, some kids need a good spanking, while others don't - just like it's always been.

[Cafe Reader]

"how is it that we are the ones staying out of trouble, when violence is supposed to not be the answer"

A VERY good question!

[Riathon]

I've only read part of this and stand by the old methods. While I will admit there is a line that should not be crossed, I still agree with several that say our children today could use a good spanking! What happened??