The beginning.

 

As he set sail he bade his companions farewell. He was very much aware that this view of them would be his last. He felt the pain in his heart but he knew that he was at last ready to leave them. He had accomplished all that he had set out to do and now the stars were guiding him on a new journey. Although he had done this many times before he knew that this time it would be different.

He watched his old friends on the shore growing smaller as the ship sailed out into the bay. He watched them until he could see them no longer then turned to watch the sea where he would spend the next few weeks of his life. He felt the pull of his emotions, his heart felt stretched, and he struggled to hold back the tears. He didn’t want to look weak in front of the other men but he wished he didn’t have to take this journey. For some reason it felt different to the other times he had sailed away from people he had shared a life with. It felt final somehow in a way he couldn’t fathom. But like many things it would only be a matter of time before he understood what his feelings were trying to tell him.

 

As he stood on the prow of the ship, still deep in thought, a sea breeze carried a small white feather and dropped it gently on the deck in front of him. He stooped, absent-mindedly, to pick it up and a movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. He turned around, fully expecting to see someone coming towards him but there was no-one there.

Hmm, must have imagined it,  he thought, and he brought his attention back to the feather. The crew left him alone with his thoughts because they understood that he needed this time to prepare and to deal with his feelings of loss. As sailors and warriors they had grown used to the constant separations that each journey required. It was never easy but it was the way it was.

As he inspected the feather, separating the barbs with his fingernail, again the movement, just at the edge of his vision. He turned quickly but, there was nothing there.

“Who’s there”? he asked, searching the deck for any small movement that might indicate the presence of someone hiding, or playing with him. Now was not the best time. He really wasn’t in the mood!   He turned to look for the crew but they all appeared busy and weren’t aware of him.

“I know you’re there” he said, starting to feel exasperated. “And I really don’t need this right now”. He stood with his hands on his hips, hoping that his air of authority would make the culprit show his face.

He heard a soft laugh and the figure of a woman began to take form in front of him. He took a step back, nearly falling over a large coil of rope that lay on the deck. God why don’t they put these things away? He thought angrily. He steadied himself against the mast and, still clutching his now forgotten feather, he stared at her as she became more solid.

He blinked, trying to clear his vision. He thought he was seeing things.

The woman had now fully appeared. She looked at him and  said “No, you’re not seeing things. Well not really. I am here, as you can see, but no other can see me. And you can see me because you called me”.

“ Sorry? I didn’t call you” he said warily, beginning to feel confused, and nervous. At the speed of light he mentally searched through his memories for when he might have called her but could remember nothing.

She took a deep breath and explained. “Your soul has been calling me”. She spoke gently, patiently.

“My soul? I don’t understand, how can my soul be calling you?” He looked up into her face. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. Pale skinned with blue-green eyes and long shiny black hair that fell to her feet. Her face was long and thin, with high cheekbones and her lips were the colour of seaweed. There was a sort of silver glow around her, a shimmering that moved as she did. Her dress was long and wispy, the colour of the sea and floated about her feet like water. She was mesmerising. He looked into her almond shaped eyes and something there made him turn away. He felt that if he looked too long he would sink into her watery depths and be lost forever.

She laughed softly as he looked away from her. He wanted to escape, to go and do something normal to make him feel like he wasn’t losing his mind, but he was rooted to the spot.

“You recognise me, don’t you” she asked, already knowing the answer but allowing  him to find it for himself.

Something inside of him did recognise her but he couldn’t work it out. It felt like the past and the present and the future were there all at once and he couldn’t separate himself from who he had been and who he would become.

He looked now at the feather, still in his hand, afraid to look into her eyes.

“I know I do” he admitted quietly, giving in to the growing feeling of awareness in his gut, “and yet, I don’t”. I feel as though knowing you would mean the death of myself and yet it would also mean the reality of myself, he added to himself. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. He sighed deeply as a sense of inevitability began to make itself felt between them.

“So,” he said, standing a little straighter now, beginning to accept her presence a little. “Who are you and why are you here, now, on this ship”?

She looked deep into his eyes as she answered so that he once again felt that dizzying fear of sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

“I am here because you called me”, she repeated. “As for who I am? I am called Merian and I belong to the sea. I am a daughter of Neptune”.

For an instant, as she spoke, he felt mesmerised again but immediately pulled his gaze from hers. He wanted to disconnect from her, to feel a sense of himself again. It would be so easy to get lost in her. She stood patiently, shimmering, waiting for him to speak.

“I’m not aware of ever having called you”. He said, again desperately trying to remember when he might have done so.  He avoided her gaze thinking that if he could no longer see her she would no longer be there. But there she obviously was, standing before him on the deck.

“I want you to take a journey with me”. She said when she sensed a small possibility of acceptance in him, even if he didn’t realise it was there. “Your soul has been calling for change and so I’ve come to help you. I will leave you to think about this and when I return you can give me your answer. If you choose to take this journey then we will begin and you will see and experience things which at present you could not imagine. If, on the other hand, you desire to continue on your present course, then I will leave and never return. This gift can only be offered once, and, if turned down, will not be offered again. It is your choice. I‘ll leave you now to think it over”.

“Thank you” he said, even though he didn’t know why he was saying it, but what else could he say? What did she mean go on a journey with her? Wasn’t he already on a journey? I don’t get this, he thought, this is crazy.

He looked down at the feather in his hand, trying to gather his confused thoughts together so he could at least answer her but when he looked up she was gone. All that was left was a shimmer of silver in the air where she had been standing. He stood for a moment, putting the feather into his trouser pocket then turned to look for the crew. Had they seen what had just happened? The men were busy going about their jobs and nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. Shaking his head he began to tidy up the ropes he had tripped over on the deck, trying to figure out exactly what had  happened. Had she been real or was he just imagining it because he felt lost, because he wasn’t in his right mind?  He decided that she had been an hallucination and he would forget all about her. He blocked her out of his mind and got on with tidying the rope for something to do.  Although he was a man with a good heart and a strong mind this was just too crazy and he sure as hell was not going to be telling anyone.

 But a tiny part of him knew that what had happened had been real. He had recognised her but he had been too scared to acknowledge it, and that part would refuse to be shut away, no matter how hard he tried.

          *

 

As the sun rose the following morning he awoke feeling groggy and disoriented. He had slept badly, tossing and turning on his damp blankets. His dreams, deep and disturbing, had bathed him in sweat and he had awoken, many times during the night, feeling breathless and terrified.

He felt too groggy to eat anything and thought that some clean sea air might make him feel better. So he went up on deck. He could feel the wind on his face and taste the sea salt on his lips and his head began to feel a little clearer. He allowed the fresh wind to clear the cobwebs in his mind as he sat down on a large pile of rigging and leaned against the mast, holding his face into the wind. This was beginning to be his place. He looked over at the crew who were laughing and joking amongst themselves, taking their first meal of the day. One of them noticed him watching them, “You up to something to eat yet?” he asked.

 “No thanks, I’m fine, maybe later”.

“Right ya are” the sailor replied nodding, and he got on with his own eating.

They’re good men, Rihann thought to himself, a warm feeling flowing into his heart, I’d be happy to have them as my crew if the ship were mine.  He turned to the open sea again and looked into the early morning mists. The sea was smooth as silver and he felt a calm descend on him as he looked out over it, wondering how long it would be until he saw dry land again. Although he loved the sea he loved the land as well. He had always felt a special connection to it, a connection he rarely spoke about but had felt very deeply. He knew there was more to it than just a means to eat and make a living. It was alive, full of vitality, and he somehow knew that his destiny was intertwined with that of the land’s, they shared an unknown fate. But he kept these thoughts to himself. There were not many who would understand. He wasn’t even sure he understood it himself.

As he sat quietly, feeling his love for the land, he heard a soft voice behind him.

“It won’t appear until you have made your choice” she said.

I don’t believe it. he sighed, his shoulders dropping. I don’t believe it. She’s back and now I have to make a choice . What is going on here?

 “Sorry?”, he replied, and resigned to his fate, turned to face her,“what won’t appear?

“The land” she replied. “The land you love so much.”

What on earth?, he thought .How does she know?

“Well, have you made your choice? She asked, looking him straight in the face.

“I suppose so” he answered weakly. “But how does this work exactly”?

“Well, you will leave the boat and come with me” she answered. “You cannot do this journey here”

“What are the crew going to think when they discover I’m not on board?”  He asked her, looking around for her boat, the boat he assumed would take them to wherever they were going.

 “They will think, that in your sorrow, you jumped overboard. They will search for a while and then give up and everything will be as it has always been for them”, she answered.

He thought for a minute and then said quietly, a little fearfully;

“If I come with you I need your promise. I want you to promise that I will not lose myself, my life”.

She stared at him deeply, seeming to reach into his very soul, and answered solemnly

“When you are finished with this journey you will know the truth of life and death and you will know also that there is no death, just life, an unending circle”.

It wasn’t the answer he’d expected but somehow it satisfied him .

“Alright”, he said, taking a deep breath, “What do I have to do”?

“You just take my hand”, she said and she held out her long pale hand to him. He pulled himself up to standing and, looking into her face, he placed his hand in hers, knowing that this journey, once taken, would change him forever. His other hand wrapped itself around the small white feather in his pocket. He took a deep breath, exhaled, and felt himself fall into a velvety blackness. The journey had begun.

 

                   *

Moments later he opened his eyes. He was still standing beside the Sea Woman but he was no longer on the ship. At first he felt unsure. His thoughts were unclear and he felt unsteady, like there were waves in his head. He began to wonder if he had made the right choice. Part of him felt the trepidation which every man feels when embarking on a journey, the end, and purpose, of which is unknown. But, on the other hand, he did know that this journey would forever change him and he would never return to what he had known, and been, before. This was both frightening and exhilarating. He realised that this is what he had been asking for but had not thought that anybody had been listening. It was in his own thoughts, never voiced aloud, just spoken to himself in his quiet moments. Thoughts so quiet he barely even heard them himself.

He turned to face his new companion and guide, hoping to fathom some sense of what was happening to him but he couldn’t see her. He could feel her hand in his, still holding him, but see no part of her. He began to feel a little panicky. Where is she?he thought, bewildered, What’s happening? Then he began to feel the sharp edges of his mind soften. It felt disorientating and he began to feel the now familiar fear that he was going to drown.

“You are safe Rihann”. He heard her say, but her voice seemed to come from very far away. It had a golden tinkle in it now that he hadn’t heard before, as though her voice held golden strings of light that ‘played’ when she spoke. It relaxed him and made him feel safe. He had never known anything like it before.

“Trust me” she said, “You’ll come to no harm”. He could feel the muscles in his body loosen, all the tension floating away on her voice. Somehow her voice could talk to every part of his body so they knew it was safe with her. He sighed a very deep sigh marvelling at how her voice could achieve such a calmness in him. Some of the fear he had been carrying began to seep away so that soon he was barely aware of it. He knew that he could no longer turn back and that he had no other option but to surrender to this journey, although he reserved a place, deep inside of him, for his remaining fears to reside in. It would take some time for him to release these as he had kept them with him for a very long time and now was not the time for them. But, by journey’s end they would be gone, released back into the void.

 

               *

 

He awoke startled, sitting up quickly, for a moment lost between the world of sleep and wakefulness.

 It was a dream, he sighed to himself with relief, lying back down, just a dream. He began to settle back into sleep but something was gnawing away at the edges of his memory. He sat up again, looking around wildly, realisation dawning on him. His heart was pounding and his breathing came fast. He wiped his eyes, trying to clear his vision. He remembered swimming between the places of his mind and soul and knew he had been travelling but he couldn’t remember where he’d been. He tried to get his bearings. He was alone on a beach, lying on soft golden sands. He was laying on a woven white rug with another covering him. He couldn’t remember how he had gotten there.  Had they been attacked, had the ship been lost? He felt his body, frantically, checking for wounds or injuries. Nothing. Where were the men, the ship? There was no debris in the water, no sign of any of the sailors. There was nothing on the beach either, just him and the white blankets. And where did these come from? He felt completely confused and overwhelmed. He lay back on the soft white blanket pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes. He felt lost.  He just could not recollect what had happened and yet he felt a huge loss, a gaping hole in his heart which he could not comprehend.

He heard a movement behind him and jumped to his feet, crouching low, ready to either attack or to defend himself. He had been so caught up in his confusion he had forgotten everything he had ever been taught. The first rule of survival is to always let your attacker think you’re already dead, that way he won’t try to kill you!!

He felt something touch his mind. He stopped, surprised. Then he remembered, the Sea Woman! It all came tumbling back, the mist, her voice of golden music and her hand in his.

He lay back down, feeling exhausted, and closed his eyes. Why did I start this? He asked himself, what was I thinking? But he hadn’t been thinking, that was the point. For the first time in his life he had let his feelings choose for him. But this was new territory. How did this happen? He asked himself, completely confused now and wishing he could take it all back.

“How did what happen” Merian asked, looking down at him.

“What?” he asked, surprised. Had he thought out loud?

“How did what happen?” she repeated.

He squinted up at her. Did she just read my mind? ”Um, I was just thinking of everything that happened and how I got here.” He said guardedly.

She laughed. “And do you remember now?

“I think so” he answered, “but what I don’t understand is how it happened.”

“How what happened”?

“How I chose to come with you.”

“Oh well, that’s easy. Your heart chose for you.” She looked at him as he took in her words. “You knew, long ago, how to let your true heart choose your direction but somewhere along the line you forgot the skills”. She paused for a minute allowing him to connect with that reality, then continued. “How on earth did you survive, knowing that you knew all the answers yet letting your mind do all the thinking?”

“What do you mean”? he asked, puzzled. “Everyone thinks with their mind”.

“Do they?” she answered. “Humph, no wonder the world is in such a mess!”

Rihann looked at her in disbelief. He was beginning to think that he’d made a really stupid decision in coming with her. In the cold hard light of day she didn’t seem so clever and, yet, somewhere deep inside him he remembered. There had been times when he had ‘felt’ the answers. He had known, without knowing quite how he had known. But, as no-one else seemed to be able to do this he learned to trust it less, until one day he was just like everyone else, trusting only that which his mind told him. After all, he thought, the soul was in the mind, wasn’t it? Isn’t that where all information comes from? The emotions were not capable of the things the mind could cope with. They were weak and untrustworthy. They caused you to do and say things that would soon be regretted. No, he thought to himself, I’m definitely safer thinking with my head.

“Are you sure about that?” He heard her voice and yet she had not moved her lips. The words had been in his head, he had heard them and yet she had not spoken.

He stared at her, expecting her to do something, say something, to let him know he had really heard her.

She smiled back at him, saying nothing. He frowned. I know I heard her, he thought, then instantly dismissed the possibility as being too far fetched. No, I definitely imagined it. And so, dismissing it from his mind he got to his feet. He was beginning to feel hungry and thought that the distraction of looking for food would bring him back to normal. And anyway, his stomach was beginning to make hungry noises. He looked around him.

“You’ll find some food over there” Merian mentally said again, pointing to a tree along the edge of the beach. He looked at her sharply, a stab of fear now in his stomach. She knew what he was thinking and he felt extremely uncomfortable.

“How am I to guide you if I cannot feel your thoughts” she asked him silently, looking into his eyes. He could feel her words stroking the inside of his mind and yet they were also everywhere. She was inside of him, and outside of him, all at once. He began to feel very uncomfortable. Will she know everything? He wondered.

“No, not everything”, she answered, “but for this part of the journey our minds are joined as one and you will learn the gift of soul communication, from mind to mind”.

She looked at him, watching his reaction. He said nothing, just stared at her in disbelief so she continued.

“When you have learned this skill, or rather remembered it” she added enigmatically, “ another guide will come and join you”.

He took a moment to think about that and began to understand. It was certainly an unpleasant thought that someone could rummage around in his mind. He would have nowhere to hide anything.

“I see” he said, finally. “This is all part of the journey is it?”

She smiled at him and he felt her warm energy all around him. He took a deep breath, filling himself up with it and began to relax.

Maybe this won’t be quite so bad, he thought, trying hard to rationalise his fears.

“Hmmm”, she replied without shifting her gaze. “Time will tell”.