I'm in love with this girl

Im in love with this girl
i have known her all these years
we were childhood friends
but when we stargaze on that pier
we change

our souls grow to sync
and she holds me so close
I begin to think
that she is that lethal dose
does her mind know the same
or am i just insane
well, her heart beats close to mine
but we haven't much time
see, I leave without trace
come August, i wont see her face
With all the love and pain
in this wild world
I hope that it works out
Cause I'm in love with this girl

Reviews

[Neha agrawal]

like a soft heartbreak wrapped in poetry. You can feel the love, the fear, the goodbye. Just… wow.

[JayG]

You're guessing, in a profession that's been under refinement for centuries. And that applies to both your posted poems and fiction.

It's not a matter of talent, it's that people have been screwing up, and finding ways to avoid screwing up for centuries. Learn those skills and you avoid the traps. Skip it, and you not only fall victim to them, you never realize it happened.

In this piece, for example, you toss in a rhyme here and there. But that's NOT how metrical poetry works.

And in general, it's you talking about you, someone unknown to the reader.

So, I'm assigning you some homework:

1. For metrical poetry: Read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. What he has to say about the flow of language is brilliant.
2. For poetry in general, download Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook.
https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html
3. For fiction, Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.
https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/gmc-goal-motivation-and-conflict-9781611943184.html
4. And for an overview of fiction's traps and gotchas, try my articles and YouTube videos: Links below.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334