confusion from a long distance

just the thoughts from a girl in a long distance relationship

I miss the world today. It was gray in my heart and rain poured down like it would never stop. The wounds still fresh; it was only from yesterday though in my mind I’ve grown past that. There wasn’t anything to be done, what happened was uncalled for and hurtful. I found a new label stuck to the back of my shirt, “Religious.” I wasn’t really sure why he put that one there, I never really found myself in that category. It’s actually a fact now that I really hate. Though it’s always good to come to terms with those words people define you as. Come to terms is different than agreeing. But at the same time you really have to just accept it because your labels aren’t necessarily true of you but rather how the world around sees you. I read his letter today, the second one ever. I’m not mad that he hasn’t written more, I happen to enjoy writing and I don’t expect him to start loving it because my eyes wish to read. It’s just not how I wanted today to end. I missed him so very much. My heart groaned in pain every day since I left the home and people that I love. If only I could see his face once in a while a luxury that he revoked to my utter agony. Though understanding I still was, who was I to make him suffer when the sight of me hurt his heart? I loved him so. It eats me up inside, how the comments from yesterday still ring in my ears, like daggers left in my weak body, slowly cutting me with every movement I make. What exactly does it mean to smother someone? Is it loving them with your entire heart? Or perhaps it is understanding them and helping them with whatever issue arises? I never meant to hold his hand when he had a bad day. It wasn’t my intention to wipe away every single tear. Though I did, not for the reason any one would expect or take the time to know. Maybe I did it so that he wouldn’t be sad, and thus I wouldn’t be sad. Maybe it was my way of making myself feel better. I’ve always held the place of being the victim and the comforter. When I was lonely I held my own hand, and those around me who were suffering. It’s rare for someone to reach out from their life and offer their hand for me to hold. He has always has in the way that he knows how. He is the one that I can always turn to when I need advice, or someone to cry to, he’s there for me whenever I need. But maybe that’s what’s driving both of us insane? We’re both stretching to reach the other’s hands that we don’t notice each other reaching for our own hands. I try to say sorry when I feel that I’ve wronged someone, to acknowledge it to the universe instead of secretly seeing my error in my heart. I outplay the word sorry; spilling it out of my mouth letting it just rest on my lips ready for any moment that remotely calls for it. What am I to say to that man whom I feel that I’ve wronged?

Author's Note

This was from a long time ago, but I found it and I like it, its ok if you don't and sorry if its a little sad-ish don't worry sad isn't usually my style, just wanted to try this out?