My Wish

A meandering through the mind

I wish I could capture the sunbeams of the morning and keep them in a jar. I’d take them out at dusk and let them fill the air. Then maybe, the pinch in my heart would rise and never fall again to hurt me. I sit here breathing, my right shoulder slightly aching, my heart not at ease, and meditate on my life. The past comes forward to paint a picture I’m not sure is complete, I’d rather focus on love, but this is where I need to find a new beat. The method of love cannot be found in the past, and so fear arises as I can not be held by the past. The future has been blessed to me in glimpses, I think for this very reason, but the picture is so ungraspable, so unbelievable, it does very little to comfort me this morning. Eight O’clock on the dot, the church bells ring. I love their echo, the reminder to breathe in. Fear is most definitely vanquished in good faith, but this too is a new practice. 

In comparison to twenty-five years, with lonely nights spent in tears, an awakening into something greater is unknown. The comfort is still taking root in stagnate water. I try to coax love into the corners of the heart at night, but again, the stubbornness of known grooves bleeds movement. To grow is not easy. I have nowhere to run, and do not want to flee, and yet I feel so unstable. There are moves to make upon the board of life before me, my little pawn, I wonder why I do not assert like a Queen. Rather, I move one checkered square at a time. But I know with the meandering of time, I will adapt. I sit with my laptop before my typewriter, unable to press her keys as my brother still sleeps. Maybe when I’m ready to make such noise, all will be at ease.