The dog

A large dog has certain liberties

  I wash my dog with diaper wipes. This is only because a 100lb dog has certain liberties when it comes to things he decides not to do. It's not that I haven't tried to bathe him conventionally because I have; it's just that he's the better man when it comes to this struggle and I'm not afraid to admit it.
  The last time I tried was a disaster though it all started out well enough: me dressed in my board shorts (I'm a realist) and he dressed in his smelly fur stuff. I tried to use the harness on this occasion which was a dismal failure and a blow to my pride; he proved to me beyond a doubt that he only allows me, by conscious decision, to walk him in that contraption.  I was just gonna try to shower off some of his shedding hair. Suffice to say that by the end of the battle the bathroom walls were coated with dog hair and a full 15min long wrestling match had occurred (except for the brief 2-3 min that we both lay on the floor ,in our best Ju Jistu hold, exhausted and panting heavily while we regained our strength for another round. As I lay there sweating I prayed for just a drop of water to cool my tongue; I got none). There was hair on the walls because his method of defense was to circle while I gripped him by the neck and tail. He doesn't know that whoever controls the center of the ring controls the fight. As a tactician, he sucks; this doesn't bother him in the least and therefore irritates me all the more.
 I had called him what he truly was the son of and since he's a dog I was technically accurate so I don't have to feel guilty for using fowl language against him. He's also reminded of his heritage when I participate in the ear drop sessions. He has won the war and I thank him that he does not lord it over me, he rises from servitude only in dire situations; he preserves my dignity because he knows I have the treats.

Author's Note

Dialog and grammer critique welcome. No worries, just say what you feel.