Take Me Out

Take me out

Bam, Bam, Bam

I want to feel

The metal inside me

I want to feel the pain

Because when I die

I want to feel alive

 

So shoot me

Right in the gut

Give me a fatal wound

Because I know I

Will relish in the feeling

Let me bask in the wonderful

Pain and let me bathe in my blood

 

I want to reek of the smell

Of my spilled life

Paint me in my pain

Lay me down in

My puddle of red

Take me out

Bam, Bam, Bam

Author's Note

I love criicism. :)

Reviews

[Snoopy217]

The repetition of simple phrases in the first and last two lines creates a memorable image. Well done.

It seems that the boredom or monotony of life is killing the speaker. It might be fun to try inserting different clues about why the speaker is thinking about suicide and explore how those different clues change the feeling and meaning of the poem.

[Jared Payne]

This was a very strong poem, that I enjoyed reading. The only thing I must say, is that I found it to be much more powerful in writing, if you created new types of instead of relying on subjects that are just known to be painful (like suicide). Other than that though, your poem contained well descriptive language, allowing your readers to see a clear picture in their mind.