Open Your Eyes

Why don't you open your eyes,

And notice the absentee?

Those deep beautiful eyes;

Why don't they see me?

What else can I do

to get back the chance I blew?

This beating in my chest,

yearning for you and your best.

This endless sleepless night,

reliving that final fight.

I hope to see you around the bend,

but I may be chasing till the end.

Author's Note

I appreciate constructive criticism and comments! This poem is a little short, so I would like to extend it further. Any ideas?

Reviews

[.]

Lovely so far, yes.

I agree with Clifford. It does feel unfinished. Perhaps two more stanzas to make a sextet. Try and finish the poem with a surefire ending.
"My heart beats out your name this day.,
Come back and take my tears away"
Just a line. Something similar perhaps. A good first attempt, so far.

[Hannah]

thank you for your suggestions! I will think about them when I do more on this.

[.]

Yes! I read it again. A brilliant finish! Well Done!

[Shankar Mohan Singh]

Loved these line,
What else can I do
to get back the chance I blew?

But blow two are very much average
This beating in my chest,
yearning for you and your best

[Hannah]

Thank you for your review.

[Inject Positivity]

Well you just point out some very important thoughts on our life... i think so far it's great, as you have said you are going to add more into it i believe it will sound more clever then... i loved the balance in it... a little more description will make it more catchy... i will keep an eye on your page.....

[Hannah]

Thanks! I'm glad you like it.

[AngelLouretta]

I liked it, very well written I think.

[Hannah]

Thank you!

[richieb]

Hannah, I would eliminate the last two lines, they don't fit in a heart yearning poem. To extend it, add more verse's of how you fell your loss. Also the poem does not have to rhyme. This may help you write more freely without worrying about making words rhyme. Keep writing. Richie B.

[Hannah]

Thank you for your suggestions.

[Jordan Smith]

I really love this poem Hannah. It really spoke with such raw emotion and it was really easy to connect to. I would definitely expand on the "beating in my chest part", maybe describe what else that is doing to you emotionally. Great start to this one Hannah :D Can't wait to see what else you have in store.

[Hannah]

Thank you! That's a good suggestion. I might just do that.

[Jordan Smith]

Your Welcome :) I'm glad that I could help out a fellow poet

[barleygirl]

I really really love this. In today's super-busy world with myriad distractions & compulsions, people often don't see each other anymore (even when there hasn't been a fight or disagreement). The earnest pleading sounds realistic in your poem.

[Hannah]

Thank you so much for your amazing review!

[Joe W]

I have nothing against short poems and really admire people who write them. Not only are you able to write so little but at the same time you fit so much into it. If you get the chance, check out my page. I do Spoken Word poetry which is longer and really doesn't follow an exact way to write them but when you read the, you'll understand. Hope this helps.

[Hannah]

Thank you! I'll check out your page a little later.

[Jacob Clifford]

Hmm. Interesting so far. I know you said you want it to be extended, and it does feel short and possibly unfinished. For what you have already, it's none too shabby.

[Hannah]

Thank you! I do plan to finish this.