Cold Heart

~Experimental~

Under the shade of the tree,

my heart beats ever faster.

Your gaze never turns away.

Love in every word you say.

Why can't you remember the times like those?

I'm left with your scent on my clothes.

All my dreams put to death.

My heart aches with each breath.

You said you would never leave.

Now I'm alone on Christmas Eve.

I lay awake, staring at the stars

while my heart sits behind bars.

Author's Note

Just trying things out to see what works. Suggestions about anything are welcome.

Reviews

[Inject Positivity]

It seems like I know the feeling very well, covered with the feelings and emotions of a broken heart, this poem holds a touching feeling both for the reader and for the person it has been written to... It flows nicely with the rhyme... Good to see you Hannah...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[Hannah]

Very good review, Dhiman. Thank you for reading.

[duff]

Its heart on a sleeve writing. Raw but here we are and take it or leave it. Some great lines here.

"I'm left with your scent on my clothes.
All my dreams put to death"

Nice work. I enjoyed it.

[θεά]

Heart breaks and aches are perhaps the most perplexing when one has given everything to one we thought deserved it. Cruel and unfair, life's lessons follow a rule of their own. It is for us to figure out where to get smart and when to clam up.

[Rebel]

Very well said and I know the feeling too well.

[Hannah]

Sorry to hear that. It's a very universal experience, I think. Thanks for reading.

[Rebel]

It helped only a few times in my life so far, but I am very slowly recovering from it. I came out of it stronger than I went in.

[apennylate]

Gentle promises spoken in earnest, can oftentimes lead to the harshest of broken hearts...Your rhyme scheme, bars, and word choice... All lend to giving this piece a voice yearning for the unison of souls... Well penned...

[Hannah]

Very true, Silente. Thank you for reading.

[apennylate]

Most welcome...

[richieb]

Hannah,
You captured the essence of a broken relationship with the line,"while my heart sits behind bars." We indeed become prisoners of our emotions when we are hurting.
I think this is your best work, you are growing as a writer.
Blessings,
Richie b.

[Hannah]

I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. Thank you, richie.

[.]

An excellent little poem, Hannah!

Very heartfelt and well written. Flows very well and your rhyme scheme is spot on! No changes necessary!

Your emotions are very well presented throughout the whole poem. Certainly one of your best writes in my opinion. Nice work.

[Hannah]

I appreciate your kind words. Thank you for reading, Doodley.

[Jacob Clifford]

This really feels like someone with a recently broken heart. Some relationships just run their course and end.

I've long since given up on trying to make technical suggestions for poems. They just aren't my forte. So I don't have any suggestions.

[Hannah]

That's okay. Thanks just for reading.

[matrixmark]

This worked really well. Bittersweet I think is the word which sums this up really nicely.

It goes from heatwarming to heartbreaking.

The last verse is particulary striking - really left it on a saddening note.

Mark.

[Hannah]

Thank you very much, Mark. Thank you for reading. Do you plan to ever write anything else for this site? I enjoyed your "Unmasking the Insanity" chapters, and I think any other stories you would make would be very good.

[Manu]

A sweet piece, Hannah..
This poem starts on a positive note ( from being in love) and ends on a parting note (being left alone).
Heart really aches when you want to stay in a relation but other doesn't..
A nice experimental piece :-)

[Hannah]

Thank you, Gorthi. I'm glad you enjoyed.