The Ride

A simple physical action / personal reaction poem done for an English assignment way back when.

Conductor comes to lock me in
Stomach turns a knot within
Brakes are loosed and off we go
Missed my chance to just say no
Clacking up and lifted high
Eyes entranced by a deep blue sky
All is lost as I scream down
Heart skips beats and turns around
Slung up and down, left and right
Stomach holds my spine too tight
The worst beyond is coming strong
Whoever built this thing is wrong
Through the loops and corkscrew tracks
I want this nightmare to turn back
It finally ends if somewhat brief
I sit back filled with relief
Oddly though we do not stop
I choke up, please call the cops
We don't slow, just pass them by
Not so short I realize
We go again, come back around
I start to breathe; the cars slow down
Then brought to a clanging halt
In my head a nagging thought
I must have more; I'm feeling fine
Off I go to get in line.

Reviews

[Mockingbird]

this was a great poem that actually evoked the memory of a similar experience and the sensations it brought. that is amazing, i am afraid of heights, just mention the movie vertigo and my palms start sweating and my heart beats weird-like. that is what happened just now...you are also phenomenal in writing in rhyme. it's perfect the way it is; some people can be so pedantic. such is the mediocrity.

[Anne Martin]

I enjoyed that, although most rides at the fairground make me ill.

There were a few points where I was put off by the meter. You sometimes alternate between lines of 7 and 8 syllables, but when you have consecutive 7-syllable lines, it sometimes feels just a little awkward, as if there is something missing. Some 7-7 pairs are okay, but others stress the wrong syllable. "Slung up and down, left and right" is the most obvious. It isn't a big issue, but something to think about.

I'd also like to see it broken up into stanza, just to aid reading. Maybe you intended it to be like the ride that way - that's okay if it is intentional.

I'm very picky, and these are tiny issues. Well done!