Dear Haylie

9-19-17 entery. A big fight happens between my mom and me. I was fighting suicidal thoughts, but also trying to escape realality.

9-19-17

Dear Haylie,

I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. And I will say it until I believe it. Nothing else matters right now. Maybe I just need to go somewhere quiet and cry. Think. Talk to grandma. I am not falling back down to “depressed Haylie” because that IS NOT me. It’s okay that I am struggling. Everyone does at one moment or another.

I was thinking earlier. I always tell myself “everything will be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end”, but what about all the people who it wasn’t okay for? Like what about Cody Taylor? He got into an argument with his mom, went outside, on DD hwy and shot himself in the head. It didn’t end well for him. Or what about the people on death row? They get the shock chair and go out that way. Or people who died of cancer or some other sickness.

Maybe you’ve just got to look at the good side. Even when it’s foggy. Like if you have cancer upleast you’ve had a good life. “Hopefully”

I use to say “f**k today, f**k yesterday, f**k tomorrow. I want to die tonight.” I would crawl up and cry with blood running down my legs and arms. But you know, no matter how much I would love to give in the the hurt, and brokenness… I can’t. That’s not me. That’s not the real Haylie Douglas. The real Haylie Douglas is a warrior. I fall down. But i will never give up. I keep fighting. I finally won this battle, but I have many more to come. I’ve been fighting this War for years. It will never end it seems like.

But I feel like my heart is shattering. I’m done with this fighting. This yelling. I’m done. Done. I will fall apart soon. I can already feel it. I’m breaking… mom, hold me! Stop yelling! STOP! Just let it go. Hold me. Be a mom. Not an enemy. But you are battling your own demons right now. So it won’t happen anytime soon.

It’s time to put on my armor. Get ready to fall apart. But this time is going to be different. Instead of crying in my own blood and hurt, this time I will cry in god’s arms. He promises to carry me through my hard times… well god, it’s time for me to grab your hand.

I’m ready....

Author's Note

This is a true entry, in fact, I wrote it last night. I was having a really hard time. What do you think?

Reviews

[Ghania]

" He promises to carry me through my hard times… well god, it’s time for me to grab your hand.
I’m ready.... "
Very Good approach.
I read it lately,
"If He puts you in it, He will surely get you through it" He's the omnipotent. And never leaves us. It's We who forget Him.

Best Wishes. :)

[SoakedPoet]

Great! if its not okay then its not the end... I like that but of course thats only true for those that love God/jesus is what I believe... very deep.. I hope you feel better

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful and strong words and thoughts written. A writer's best work is when heart is sad or glad. A well-written poem. Real life and honest words. The greatest poetry.
Coyote

[Dwayne J. Keeves]

Life is a ball of fire '' wonder lady.'' Often times we are confused by what is real or not real. The things that happens to or against us, that comes to make us stronger. I grew up in a small town. Not much to see or do unless; we the kids made it worth seeing or doing. lol. I think you did great in expressing yourself through your words rather than acting out something that could become, '' You can't take back ''. Reach deeper, and find the part that causes you to turn hurt into a reward. Great job..Be encouraged..