Tohoku Tanka

This is my attempt at writing tanka. It's this traditional Japanese lyrical poetry. Forgive me if it's not up to par with the great Japanese poets. Inspired by the Japanese tsunami and earthquake.

 開始 kaishi (initiation)
                                                 restless foundations
                                                 shelved in the nooks of prudent
                                                 mass kabuto plates.
                                                 your feet pace themselves on
                                                 impending pelagic roars.
                                      
分�™ bunkatsu (the split)
tectonic turmoil
swivels angry heads in halves
capsizing dazed arks.
love tears off for relevance
your name drowns in hurtful words

                                                 �-幅 zōfuku (amplification)
                                                  brigades of sea mass
                                                  propagate to storm trembling
                                                  postcard perfect shores.
                                                  our future prospects engulfed
                                                  in the maw of pent up tears.

衝�'� shoogeki (impact)
tidal bores into
mura. Violates concrete
abodes to snatch souls.
you breach my reasoning to
assault matters we can't control.

                                                                                                         結果 kekka (consequences)
                                                                                                         the waves peter out
                                                                                                         leaving behind effigies
                                                                                                         in their violent wake.
                                                                                                         whittled away our polish
                                                                                                         we are ghosts of our past selves.

Author's Note

No, this poem would not be appropriate to dedicate to the people of Japan as there is no hope or silver lining. it's depressing. Yes. I spent weeks studying tanka and I am still not completely satisfied (there's even a particular way of reading it) and it would be pretty embarrassing if the Japanese translations used were completely off the mark. Regardless, this is my first attempt at a traditional form of poetry (instead of my usual 1/2/rhyme slugfest) and if you have ever been through a confrontation which tears a relationship apart, I hope you read and find something you can pull from this. Be brutally honest when it comes to critique though!

Reviews

[CecilA]

Hazim,

To be honest, I really like it. It needs a little tuning but otherwise you have the foundation for great tanka.

I suggest you review your intent: story. Then reread your poetry and determine if you told it they way you intended. Check your verb tenses.

The line 'we are ghosts of our past selves' could be linked with 'leaving behind effigies' .

Very good. Thank you for the introduction to this great Japanese poetry.