Wild-child

Laura girl~Baby-girl~
you're only eight months old~
I hope this crib can hold you in,
You're acting too darn bold!

Laura girl~Child-girl~
what are you up to now?
That moody scoff you're showing off
ain't good for you no-how.

Laura girl~Teenage-girl~
tell me where you've been?
Consorting with a troubled crowd
Will lead to years of sin.

Laura girl~Troubled-girl~
no wonder you're in jail~
Ingesting all those nasty drugs
Has left you sick and frail.

Laura girl~Tragic-girl~
the police were at our door~
That car crash robbed your precious life;
a beer was on the floor!

Laura girl~Silent-girl~
you look like you're asleep
your polished casket shows my face
and all I do is weep.

Laura girl~Angel girl~
we're sending you our love~
Our broken hearts can only pray
you're somewhere up above.

Reviews

[Poetic License]

This tore my mother's heart to pieces. What I enjoyed as the sing song quality of a silly lullaby turned so quickly tragic that it left my heart spinning. From promise to torture, that inevitable tire screaming, can't stop in time and not a damn thing you can do about it helplessness that accompanies parenthood. That is potent writing.

[Relic]

I'm glad you liked PL, thanks.

[Katerina Grev]

I think something you captured very well, maybe without even realizing, is how people will notice your troubles but will only offer judgement rather than help until it is much too late. I love your artistic choices, always adding to the story.

[Relic]

:) Thank you.

[rowan.taylorrr]

very very sad, it makes me feel many things. I love the way it's organized.

[Relic]

Thank you very much. :)

[SJ Mullins]

Very sad. Choices always have consequences, as your poem clearly shows. Well done!

[Relic]

I'm reminded of Chris Cornell in reading your review. You are right. Thanks.

[SJ Mullins]

You're welcome. :)

[Kelly Scheppers]

This is what I refer to as "poetry with a pulse". Such a heartache, but very well versed, Tim!

[Relic]

Thanks very much Kelly. :)

[MCS]

Very nice write...
Here's hoping for a different ending

[Raven Moonchild]

Awwwww!!!! This poem is beautiful and he end nearly made me cry. :)

[Relic]

I'm glad you liked it, thank you. :)

[Raven Moonchild]

And thank you for sharing. :)

[Shannon]

A sad progression. I wonder what could've changed it.

The concept is unique and powerful.

I would encourage you to look at 'cops' and 'looks so nice' to tighten up the writing.

[Relic]

Okay, thanks shannon.

[Relic]

Any suggestions?

[Shannon]

Would police change the flow to dramatically?

Your maple casket is beautiful?
A maple casket frames your face,
Now all I do is weep?

[Relic]

Police may work. 'Looks so nice'....not descriptive enough? Beautiful seems out of rhythm to me. I read that you should put the most important parts at the end of a sentence.

[Shannon]

I think the end of the sentence is a theory.

Beautiful may not work. But looks so nice is not descriptive and a bit bland.

[Relic]

Theory? Never heard of that.

I know what you mean. I'll think about it.

[Relic]

....................Better?

[Shannon]

What do you think?

[Relic]

I like it better.

[Shannon]

I agree with you. I rather like your choice.

[Relic]

Okay, good. Thanks for telling me. :)

[Shannon]

I'm big on constructive reviews, especially for people I know are interested.

[Gee]

A life lived and lost, so very well told. How many parents of kids, both sexes, would be able to relate. Countless says I

[Relic]

I'm sure you're right Gee, thank you.

[J.J. NIGHTINGALE]

I've known many "Laura's"... and viewed the endings..
wondering what happened..in between .

Sad truth..................

Jazzy

[Relic]

Thank you Jazzy. :)

[J.J. NIGHTINGALE]

You are welcome.... well done !!!!!