A bird overheard

Reviews

[CaptainBill]

As is usual with good poetry, you see deeper when you look again. "Glide - stride " works. 'my metered stride' was a distracting image at first. Now I see a good image, with a double reference, to walking in the glen and your metered writing of this poem.

I have trouble at the idea level with the second stanza. First line and 'serenade' is a nice image. Shifting to "hymns" is where I have trouble. If this is where you were going, you gave no hint in the first bird melodies, or any bird song, actually. 'No man conveys' seems to be there just for the rhyme, and that stands out. You have to think about the meaning of 'conveys' for a long time, before you can get a meaning that makes sense. At least I did. So your chosen words distract from the image you are building. The same with 'praise'. I see a possible meaning, but I have to work at it. The actual rhyme is just fine. It is the work you have to do to get the meaning. Some artists might want exactly that.

Others have said, so I didn't before. I do like your poem.

[Relic]

Thanks for clarifying that. I will think about what you've said. In the future I'll think about a possible revision a well. You've been very helpful, I appreciate it.

[CaptainBill]

Just a few specific comments. Two rhymes worked (greet - retreat, glen - again), and two did not (glide - stride, conveys - praise). It seems to me that when you choose a word to rhyme that does not quite fit, it jars and distracts.

I wasn't sure if the robin melody is uplifting or sad in your poem. It could work either way, just not sure what you wanted to convey. I've heard the towhee at dusk in the wilderness. No doubt about sad with that one.

Your last paragraph was perfect.

[Relic]

Thank you for the review. I always take people's views into consideration and use them as a learning tool. Without giving a lesson on rhyme, could you tell me why the mentioned rhymes didn't work? Was it a near or perfect rhyme issue? A consonant issue? I'm interested to know for future and past poems.

As for the melody, the speaker himself does not know. That is why there is a question mark at the end of the stanza. "As autumn ends the answer fades with winter's chilling greet."

[PurpleQuartz]

This is definitely one of the best poems I have read on WritersCafe. Without a doubt!
Utterly breathtaking!

[Relic]

Thank you very much.

[Samuel Dickens]

This is terrific--music to my ears, you might say. You see these things very much like I do.

[Relic]

This is an old one that was revised about three times. The third stanza was a pain. Glad you liked it. Thank you.

[Firestone Feinberg]

Soft with sorrow and hope. A song. Of a fine robin and a good soul. --david

[Relic]

Thanks so much David.

[Yellow Butterfly]

You have a wonderful way of conveying your thoughts in this lovely write.
There’s something clear and unambiguous in your words that struck a chord
within me…especially reading the following two stanzas…

Could it be his whistling tune
Reflects a sad unrest,
For one departed of this earth
Asleep in heaven's nest?

Sadly, I'll no longer hear
His ballads through the glen,
But when the white grass turns to green
Perhaps we'll meet again



A truly beautiful poem :O)

[Relic]

Thank you very much for the review.

[Circe]

i could really feel the solitude of this piece.... the respect for nature's song... the voice of the unassuming.. and there is so much beauty in it.. to be taken in for healing... of this "dreary soul"... the incredible joy of something pure and uncomplicated.. it makes you appreciate mortality.. the gift, the cycle.. this stirs a deep yearning in the reader.. really wonderfully written.

[Relic]

Thanks for the nice review Circe.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

there is rebirth in spring...and the robin comes back to serenade us.

everything begins again...

life is like that...we progress through seasons...and are reflected within them.

[Relic]

I agree, thanks for your thoughts.

[Lily Mae]

I love living here with four seasons.. each represents such a significant part of our lives and who we are or can be.. What we see, what we take in, what we can ignore.. With the end saying "Perhaps we'll meet again".. I usually am all... oh.. I hope so. But with the way you worded this..it's a lesson in appreciating that one magical moment for what it truly was.. anything extra is just a bonus round...xo

[Relic]

Thanks so much Lily. I'll be by your way soon.

[Lily Mae]

Nope.. I'm visiting your house for a change.. xo I have nothing lol

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

Wonderful tribute. Good meter throughout. Perfect rhymes. Enchanting imagery evokeation. Well worth saving to reread often.

[Relic]

I appreciate that, thanks.

[Robbie~xoxo~]

Reading this is a treat to the senses. I love the poetic hymns of nature, which you have so eloquently penned. The birdsong of the robin is heaven's music, a gift to rejoice. A gentle and Beautiful write!

[Relic]

Thank you Robbie for the thoughtful review.

[Robbie~xoxo~]

It's always a pleasure to read your work~xoxo~:)