Beneath an ominous sky, rage. (rhyme poem)

Version 1

Its throat roared 

a riotous rumble

Passing above the ruined rubble.

The funnel hung

swiveled and swung

Licking its chops with a tawdry tongue.

Rolling, rumbling

ferocious and foul,

It started with wind - then a hungry howl.

Version 2

Its throat wailed a riotous roar

as roofs transformed to rubble.

The funnel hung~ 

swiveled, swung~

Licking its chops with a gorging tongue.

Rolling~rumbling~

ferocious, foul,

I still recall its ominous howl.

Author's Note

I tried to give rough weather some personification.

Note to self. The poem was re-worked 3/15/16. Added picture 11/9/16

Reviews

[Jolan H]

You know what dude a tornado is a really difficult thing to write about. You captured it nicely.

[Jessica]

I thought that both versions were really good. I like the first version, with the last line of the second version. I find that both versions were a good representation of a storm. I enjoyed this poem alot.

[Relic]

Thank you, Jessica. :)

[Cherrie]

Weather does seem to be a raging beast. I love the fact you have given a personality to this event.
Also if it's put to a vote I like version 1 the best.

[Relic]

Thank you, Cherrie. :)

[Mary Jo. Clare]

This poem is simply amazing! I've never read anything like this before. This is very well written and your use of figurative language really makes the imagery form in my head. Please keep writing!

[Relic]

I appreciate that, Mary, thanks.

[indranet]

The alliteration in this poem gives it such a warm flow. Adding this one to my library.

[Relic]

Thanks very much Indranet. :)

[Gee]

Sweet, storm chasing is one of the things I intend to do before sniffing it.

[Relic]

Thanks Gee.

[James]

Fantastic, I can totally see the storm coming and the funnel coming down,and the destruction afterwards As someone who has witnessed a tornado in person, I say, spot on.

[Relic]

They're scary things I wouldn't want to be affected by, that's for sure. Thank you, James. :)

[Papaya]

This is super. Really nice smooth flowing rhythm. I can totally see this as just the beginning of something bigger. And illustrated.

[Relic]

Thank you Papaya. It's a pleasure having you visit my poems. :)

[Papaya]

You are welcome. It was my pleasure to read.

[William Liston]

I love the imagery and play on sounds in this poem. The alliteration in this piece really makes it musical. You've done a good job at making it sound natural too, as none of the lines in this poem sound forced for alliteration's sake ... that's difficult considering how much you use it.

I also liked how the rhyming in this piece felt 'scattered.' Your use of enjambment and an inconsistent rhyme scheme really helped to give this piece a chaotic feel, reminiscent of the title. This poem reminds me of "Dreams" by Edgar Allan Poe:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/dreams-3/

- William Liston

[Relic]

Thanks so much William for the review.

[Bright Ocean Star]

Relic, I like this one. It reminds me of the storms we get down here. Very nice! Thank you for sharing. You write with great rhythm and imagery. Bless you for hanging around this place. I missed reading you.

[Relic]

I've left more times than anyone, hahaha. Thanks so much for your review.

[Bright Ocean Star]

You are welcome. :)