"The ghost train."

My name is Glen Harper. When it comes to exercise, I love to walk. I've developed a routine that I do every day, and Ridgecrest Road, near where I live, is the perfect place to do it. It's quiet, and the scenic beauty is unbeatable.

Well, get this. One day, a half-mile down the road, behind thick trees where the old rusty abandoned rails sat, there moaned a chug-a-chug shuffle with a whistle's high-pitched squeal loud enough to wake the dead.

A train? Here? How could that be, I thought?

And yet, a train rolling behind those trees shook the ground like a small earthquake.

Now, years ago, when locomotives were still the boss, a freight train rear-ended a passenger train one night on these very rails. The collision caused a kerosene lamp to ignite in the rear-end sleeping car, causing a fire that killed seven people. The engineer driving the freight train never had a chance.

Years later, a newer, more advanced line with updated signals and less travel time took over about a mile from Ridgecrest Road.

So, you can understand why the hiss of brakes at the road crossing meant the train stopped ahead, which couldn't be. I even saw a black cloud of smoke lift into the air above the treetops. Yet, when I reached the crossing, I was met with only empty tracks in both directions and silence. Boy, did I get a chill.

But here's where it gets really scary. As I turned to leave, I swear to you by God, I heard a voice cry out that sped up the heartbeat in my chest tenfold...

"Train ahead! Train ahead! We're gonna hit! We're gonna hit!"

The little clap of thunder that followed on that perfectly sunny day gave me a shiver right to my bones that I'll never forget as long as I live.

I turned around and ran home that day as quickly as my legs could carry me, but not without a ghostly tale no one in town would ever believe.

Now, if you're ever down this way, you're more than welcome to join me for a walk. But if by chance you hear something behind those trees that shouldn't be, well, don't say I didn't warn you.

Author's Note

I like writing stories, I just don't know all the elements of it yet. In five years I'll retell this again until I get it right. lol

Reviews

[Thomas W Case]

Tremendous story telling. Great work.

[Relic]

I'm glad you liked it, Thomas, thank you.

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

i think this was a very good. it is a classic ghost story and the narrator had a strong, distinct voice. i do not have a lot of feedback to offer, but i will point out a few minor things.
the first sentence isn't necessary. we don't need to know the character's name as it doesn't get mentioned again, and having a nameless narrator adds an extra layer of mystery.
something you could add is more information on the setting. if you could hint at the geography of this town -- the continent, the climate, the size, etc. -- it would ground this story. ghosts are earthly, they demarcate a spot of territory, and ghost stories are a warning to avoid these exact spots.
that said, i thoroughly enjoyed it. the writing was solid and the plot was clever. i look forward to seeing more of your work.

[Relic]

Thank you for the constructive advice, Ern. I'll keep it in mind for the future. :)

[Tom]

A tragic travesty of the time and still the horrors of that calamitous day replay as only those who visit a nowaday scene may hear and feel the spiritual presence of the doomed ghostly souls aboard the colliding trains as they cry out in terror just before that inevitable, ghastly collision ...


A haunting tale well told through atmospheric wordmanship, a compelling, riviting read!!

[Relic]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, Tom. Your comment is well thought out and appreciated. :)

[Poetic Beauty]

I liked this ghost train story. The detailed allowed me to picture a boy, not sure why, walking along a wood backroad. Tall trees of green n both sides and a vapor train roaring down long forgotten tracks.

I did so enjoy this tale of a ghostly encounter

[Relic]

Thank you, PB. I'm always grateful for your comments.

[JayG]

As always, be careful what you wish for, lest it be granted. 😆

First, you write well, much better than most I see posted on writing sites.

The thing that got me was that this is a transcription of you telling the story as-a-storyteller. The problem with doing that is that who but you knows the emotion to place into the reading?

A second problem is that the norms of verbal storytelling are far different from those of fiction on the page. The storyteller, alone on stage with no actors, props, or scenery, entertains via HOW they tell the story—their performance. But how much of that performance makes it to the page?

Using that outside-in approach tends to make us miss places where the reader will lack the context that they need because given how well you knew the story as you wrote it, it seemed too obvious to mention.

The viewpoint in this isn't that of the one living the story, it's that of the storyteller, which is inherently dispassionate.

Some points that hit me.

1. "My name is Glen Harper. When it comes to exercise..."

This is the narrator talking, pretending to have once lived the events. But be it that or the narrator TELLING the story, we're getting the action as a report. But suppose you placed the reader into the viewpoint of the one living the story. Do we really need to know the name of someone who no one talks to? Certainly, in life, we never think of our name. Do we need an exposition on how much the narrator loves to walk? I don't usually do this, but suppose you'd presented something like:
- - - - - -
Whistling counterpoint to the birdsong around me, I walked the woods-path behind my house—my nightly after-dinner exercise ritual—relaxing into a sense of peace and comfort as the stress of the workday melted away.

A check of my watch said it was time to head back, though, so I turned, just before the trail crossed the old rail line. But then, the sound of a steam locomotive chuffing away brought me to a stop, because there hadn’t been trains on that line for over thirty years.

Muttering, “What the hell,” and filled with disbelief, I...
- - - - - -
Not your story or your characters. Just a quick example of another approach. In this, we're not being told the story, we're with the protagonist as he notes and reacts to events. Instead of explaining that he likes exercising, he does it. I changed the time from afternoon because he has a job, or chores, like the reader. Instead of telling the reader of the train, he notices and reacts to it.

Make sense?

2. ...there moaned a chug-a-chug shuffle with a whistles high-pitched squeal loud enough to wake the dead.

"chug-a-chug shuffle" Seriously? You're trying WAY too hard to be literary.

3. A train? Here? How could that be, I thought?

If you use something like this, use italics to indicate the thought, and leave out the authorial interjection.

4. But here's where it gets really scary.

Never, never, never tell your reader what's coming, especially action or fright. Surprise the reader, and make a shiver of fear run down THEIR backs. They'll thank you for it.

5. "Train ahead! train ahead! We're gonna hit! we're gonna hit!"

So in addition to knowing about the train at the crossing, our protagonist magically hears people shouting in-the-cab of another locomotive, approaching at speed from some distance away? The "sound picture" of the collision works, but transporting the reader into the approaching train seems a stretch.

If you've not yet done it, grab a copy of Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer, from the site I link to below. The book is so old he talks about the need to use a good ribbon when typing your submission manuscript. And the scan-in from print isn't perfect. But on the other hand it is free. And download or buy it, it is, by far the best book on the skills needed to a*s wings to your words that I've found. And, it's the book that got me my first yes, so maybe he can do that for you.
https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Hang in there. It never gets easier, but with work we can become confused on a higher level.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein

[Relic]

Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, Jay. I really appreciate a professional look. I'll study your words carefully. :)

[Lorry]

I swear for a minute there the litter patter of the rain on the porch outside my kitchen window began to sound like a steam train starting up, but I am in the middle of nowhere and "wtf was that" is my usual default setting.
I only ever watched a horror movie once since I moved here, as the eerie quiet, interspersed with creaking trees leads my very suggestible mind into warp factor 9.
There is something worse than other-world with hearing sounds that shouldn't be there and that is that you start doubting your own minds rational, and there be were the real trouble starts.
Now it's 1:30 ayem here so I'm gonna go put the radio on before it starts getting to m-m-me 😊

[Relic]

haha, I wish you luck, Lorry. If you hear any disembodied voices, don't be afraid. Just know they're there to watch over you - I hope! :)

[Cherrie]

I love it and thought you built the story very well.
I try to tell a story like this as if it is a fireside tale told at night. Weaving in and out of showing, and telling. I try to sprinkle in some elements of nature and the senses. I think those small details help the reader reconstruct what I (the writer) built.

I completely enjoyed your story. I3m a old kid at heart and love a good ghost story. I'm ready for thiat walk among the pines and another story to go with.

Ps love the picture.

[Relic]

Thanks very much for your thoughts, Cherrie. Happy Holidays.

[Samuel Dickens]

Well done. You've captured a large portion of the mystery and intrigue of trains and the unforgettable events they're sometimes involved in. Don't stop now!

[Relic]

Sam, is that you? ha Great pic and thanks for the read. :)

[Sean M. Addams]

Very cool story. Love the imagery in this alot. Great job on this.

[Relic]

Thank you, Sean.

[Sean M. Addams]

No problem anytime

[Pryde Foltz]

Love it. A ghost train and an early morning walk. The tone of your main character was great too. I have to ask though ... is this a true story?

[Relic]

This is an amalgamation of stories I've read over a weeks time. Thanks for reading, Pryde.