Notice Of A Deep Desire

A chaotic, personal confession of love.

The first thing I notice is your voice
So calm, yet powerful
My loyalty to you is already godawful
Command me any way, and I’d have no choice
There’s an urge to submit, just by your voice

I wish to delve deeper, into your mind
Where most all to love of you, I will find
Tell me a secret, then tell me more
Til all to know of you is open like a door

Ineffable, the only word capable
Of describing my desire for you
But I’ve just described one thing, two
This is where feelings and logic intermingle
Just know I want to be with you
Like Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel

Author's Note

How’s my grammar? What kind of message does this send you? The hello kitty simile is personal so if you feel it doesn’t fit please ignore it.

Reviews

[JayG]

• The first thing I notice is your voice

So...that was you on the phone today?

• So calm, yet powerful

Why...thank you, I think. But, do I know you?

My point is that this is a message from you, someone unknown, of unknown age, gender, and location, to someone equally unknown. And given that, what's in it for the reader?

Like most who turn to writing, you have an invisible handicap: the writing skills we're given in school. They work when you read your own work, but only because you cheat. Before you read the first word, you have a mental picture of the one being addressed. You have memories of the events that you mention. And as you read, each word is a pointer to that in your mind.

The reader? For them, each word is a pointer to that in *YOUR* mind. So what’s filled with emotion for you is a string of words lacking context as someone else reads them. Abd since we'll not address the problem we don't see as a problem, I thought you might want to know.

The thing is, our school-day writing skills are far too dispassionate to work for poetry. They’re meant for the reports, letters, and other nonfiction that employers need, so they only report and explain.

The approach you need for fiction is designed to entertain, so, instead of telling the reader you cried at a funeral, for example, you'd give the READER reason to weep—to make them feel and care, as against nodding and saying, “Uh-huh.”

It’s not that you can’t write poetry and fiction, it’s that to be meaningful to the reader it must involve them. So, it makes sense to dig into the skills they’ve been refining for centuries, and make them yours.

Not the best news, I know. But we all fall into that trap when we turn to writing, so you have lots and lots of company.

And, given that the idea of writing appeals, you’ll find the learning a lot like going backstage at the theater, and filled with “So THAT’S how they do it.”

To get started, jump over to your favorite bookseller and try the excerpt from Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. It’s a true gem of a book, and filled with little surprises. So give it a try.

[Poetic Shorty]

Thank you so much for the constructive criticism! I will admit that this piece has a very specific person in mind and seeing it from your’s or another individuals perspective does change things quite a bit. I still have a lot to learn but that’s what makes writing so fun, so thank you again.

[Davidgeo]

He's not really being constructive. Jay is this site's cunty reviewer. At all times, he is in c**t mode. (also, the long reviews are usually AI generated... that dude is such a piece of s**t)

[JayG]

Ahh poor baby gnashes his teeth every time someone with intelligence sees the sense in acquiring the skills the pros see as necessary. It's something he consistently fails at, so he invades the threads of others to rant what amounts to, "Down with education!"

As Isaac Asimov put it: “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’ ”

[Davidgeo]

I know you're projecting when you say stuff like that. I know how much this upsets you. You care very deeply about this weird online writing coach persona, you are totally invested in your fantasy... so when people like you get mocked for being caught up in their fantasy it's like someone is mocking their children in front them... hahah I know how angry this gets you and I'm totally lovin' it!! If you weren't such a d********g I'd just ignore you like everyone else does, but, you bring it on yourself.