Mother

FIgure it out.

I wasted my time, typing this once.  I'll waste it some more for Your sake.  Mother, you I admire, and you I do love.  Understand this well:  No matter what, I think you cannot trust me.  I think you will never fully get me.  But if it's one thing I think I know about you, it's the fact that you care in a sense that a great parent should.  Now, these are my thoughts, not yo butter you up, but to let you in my mind for one last time.  I'll make it simple: Fear is inside of me, fear of living, of dying, of God, of family, of the future, the past, the present, the been there done that deal, the break a leg act, the whole nine yards.  And that nineth yard is the worst of them all: I am afraid of myself.  I am scared of fighting, scared of overcoming, scared of losing.  There is a great war inside and no one can stop it.  Not You, not Dad, Sis, Brothers, Congragation and God and Jesus, not the pets, not the family I have, not friends, not school, not even death.  Not even I.  THIS war will last for all eternity.  Saving me is not an option.  Call me Miss Negative, but this is a fact.  It is a conclusion.  It is the end of knowing myself.  I am insane in the head, a few major sckrews gone missing, no big deal.  Put me in a Hospital, and I will really lose it.  Put me through yelling and screaming and fighting and tears from You, and I will never back down.  I will stare at you blankly like I do my reflection.  I will say not a word, but I will forever remain silent.  So when I come home, and if you had read this, good.  This is goodbye to the fighting and resistance.  THIS is final.  And by the way, I will never stop loving, I will never stop feeling, and no matter the change: It is never enough for ANYONE.

Author's Note

Truth be, and lies be told within the truth. Deal with it like I have to, but do not take on my responsibility.