An Honest Introspection

Basically a journal entry about my internal struggle

Well. What Can I say. I’m pretty fucked up. I’m obsessed with my fiancee and it’s destroying both of us. I constantly (and I mean without pause) stalk through her emails, her facebook, her location history. I have to always know what’s going on, where she is, who she’s with, where she’s going. It’s killing us. She is my poison. I feel the same for her as I did about meth. I used to crawl around on the carpet trying to find tiny crumbs and stare out the window for hours waiting for the guy to show up with more. And I knew it was unhealthy. But I couldn’t stop. She is my new addiction, and I have to find a way to curb that without crushing my relationship. What is the healthy medium here? How do I show love and concern and interest without showing so much that it smothers her and drives her away? It’s my addictive personality. I wonder if I’m even capable of having a healthy relationship? I don’t know how to now stare at my phone waiting for her call. I don’t know how to not be indifferent to her activities. I don’t know how to let go of an argument. I want to. I’m so afraid I’m going to break us. But I just don’t know how.

How do I go from smoking meth all day everyday and spending my every waking moment trying to get more, to smoking one bowl when It’s convenient and it’s there and then just going about my day? And I know this sounds fucked. But that’s the only thing I have to compare this infatuation to. But It’s more complicated than a simple infatuation. It’s love, too. I love our little grumbles about what color our countertops will be. The way she smiles when she’s up to something devious. The way when we lie together we feel like a perfect fit.We have so much fun together when I’m not trying to monitor and control her every move. When I’m not stalking her, blowing up her phone. When I don’t treat her like a drug, we’re extremely compatible. I can sit in the same room as her while she knits and I play on my laptop and share a comfortable silence.

So, how do you use you drug recreationally, or medically, in a healthy way, without becoming addicted to it, when it has such a high potential for addiction? I don’t want to give it up, I just don’t want the infatuation, addiction, and obsession.

Reviews

[AshlynnStyx]

Honestly, when it comes down to it, the only way to let go of obsessive addictive tendencies is to find something that will take up your free time. In my case I went from my drug to placing my obsessions in my drawings. I HAVE to finish my drawings or it drives me insane, almost makes me sick sometimes. But despite it I can have healthy relationship because of my replacement. It gives me the same rush to finish a drawing that it did to have my drug. Psychology.

[Hebe]

Very real writing... I can feel the addiction your description is excellent. I can relate to the jealousy part, the hard part is you know it's wrong!